Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Okay, I’m going to level with all of you upfront. I’ve written some deeply personal things throughout my blogging tenure. However, I shared some things with one of my besties/editor tonight, and I figured that it was about time to share them with all of you. 

It’s no secret that I hate online dating. I’ve never really had any luck at it, and I’ve always found it impersonal. Now, before I go further, I want to clarify something: I’m not here to knock online dating. 

I have so many friends that have found their wonderful partners through apps, including my sister. I don’t think they’re evil or anything of that nature. I digress. 

You see, there’s a big reason I hate dating apps. But to give it to you straight, we’ll have to go all the way back to 2008. 

In high school, I was best friends with someone who was extremely popular. There was a boy who clearly liked her that I had a crush on, but she was in a relationship, so I would text him as “her” from her phone. 

Yes, I know how absolutely FUCKED this is. And yes, this actually happened and isn’t just a movie plot. 

He would tell my “friend” how he wished he could find a girl like her and all of the the other things Chad Michael Murray told Hilary Duff in A Cinderella Story. One day, I was feeling exceptionally ballsy after my Full Throttle, and I asked him, “What about Bay?”  (my nickname from high school, thanks to the hit song “Ay Bay Bay”). 

He wasn’t rude, but he was clear that I wasn’t his type, although I had been the girl he was talking to all along. 

My dating entire life, I either haven’t been enough of something, or I’ve been too much of something. I’ve been too tall, too skinny (I had severe EDs throughout high school and college), too curvy, had too short of hair, had too funky of style, been too complicated, too emotional, you name it. I’ve even been told I’m too much of an endgame, and that scares people, and been dumped/left because people were too scared of their feelings for me. 

Yes, that truly happened. A couple of times, actually.

I’ll be the first to admit I made a LOT of mistakes in my teenage years and into my mid 20s. I know there are a lot of things I would change, and there are a lot of apologies I’d make. Given the chance, I would’ve stopped drinking a lot sooner, for one. 

I also know there are a couple of guys I should’ve given the chance to in college/realized they liked me, but I didn’t love myself enough to understand how they could like me, and I’m kicking myself for it now.

But, with the exception of losing KP, the past couple of years have been extremely kind to me. I’ve really grown, and I feel like my confidence is at all time high, except when I try to date online. 

For full disclosure, I’m 5’10”, plus sized, and have 20+ tattoos. And friends, that’s why I prefer to meet people IRL. 

I’ve learned through so many heartbreaks, both platonic and romantic, how superficial people can be, and I prefer to meet people in person so that they know exactly what they’re getting. 

Earlier tonight, I did speed dating through an app, and I had three really lovely conversations. As soon as all three people saw what I looked like, two immediately rejected me, and another matched with me and then unmatched with me after seeing all of my pictures. 

I want to be clear about something. I don’t think I’m unattractive. I love my body. I love being tall. I have no issues with being plus sized. I love fashion. 

But, I choose not to go on dating apps because I don’t want to subject myself to interactions like this, especially with men. I will say it doesn’t happen as often when I match with women or non-binary folks, but unfortunately, the apps I use predominately feature men. 

A girl can only take so much rejection for how she looks before she’s taken back to the teenager who got rejected by the guy who didn’t realize she was the one he actually liked. 

I’d also like to touch on another point here. Physical attraction absolutely plays a role in relationships. I’m not here to say otherwise. I’m coming from a place where I’ve sincerely been told, “I would totally date if you were [smaller, shorter, had longer hair, etc…].” Because I can’t change a lot of those things, and nothing stings worse than being ghosted or rejected after someone meets you in person and/or can’t get over a physical attribute. 

Additionally, you can’t help who you like, and I’m not talking about anyone from my past who has just turned me down because they didn’t like me romantically either. I digess (part 2: Judgement Day). 

I don’t know what my dating future holds, and honestly, I’m just now at a place where I’m toying with the idea of dating again, but I wanted to be really vulnerable and really step outside of my comfort zone (I’ve been picking at my nails while writing this) and explain myself a bit further. 

Feel free to swipe left if you don’t want to read any more from me.