It’s no secret that I’m an absolute sucker for a slightly derivative romantic comedy, and there are double points if it is a teen romantic comedy. I’ve acquired a little collection of favorites over the years, and I’ve been noticing a common theme: all of the heroines write some sort of article or love letter or sonnet to either establish their feelings for their love interest and/or to establish their self-reflecting moment. As someone who has never been in a long term relationship but has had more crushes, more flings, and more almosts than you can probably imagine, I thought it might be fun (she said realizing this is a real piece that is going to be really published based on real people from my life) to take some of the movies I’ve seen multiple times and try to recreate my own versions of their articles, sonnets, and love letters. For this particular experiment, I’ve chosen one of Lara Jean Song-Covey’s notes from To All The Boys I’ve Loved, Josie Geller’s ending article from Never Been Kissed, Bianca Piper’s ending article from The DUFF, Kat Stratford’s sonnet from 10 Things I Hate About You, and Sally Owens’s Amas Veritas from Practical Magic.
Before we get started, I want to go ahead and address a few things. Although I am bisexual, these will mostly (and sadly) be aimed towards men because I have had more experiences with men than women or nonbinary individuals. Yes, I know Never Been Kissed is extremely problematic because Josie Geller is undercover as a high school student when she meets her love interest, who is her teacher, and I absolutely do not condone this whatsoever. Finally, the Amas Veritas will not be about any specific individual but rather the “ideal” person for me (by the way of Bo Burnham’s “Lower Your Expectations”). Without further ado, let’s get into what might be one of the best/worst ideas I’ve ever had.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before focuses on Lara Jean Song-Covey and how her life is absolutely rocked when the five love letters Lara Jean has written for every boy she’s ever had major feelings for get sent out in the mail. I wanted to tackle Lara Jean’s notes first because one of her first crushes was when she was a kid, so I wanted to write what I remember from my first crush. I decided to go ahead and type out my version to avoid the only version in the article from being illegible, so I’m going to type it up AND include a hand-written version below:
Josh Riley (this is a completely fake name as mentioned in the disclaimer). You are the first boy I ever remember liking. You had deep brown eyes and were left-handed, and I was fascinated with the way you let the scissors glide across construction paper. I was only eight, and I think the kind of like you feel as a child is the most innocent and pure of all because you don’t even know what the feeling is until much, much later when you get those same butterflies and jitters. I definitely know you didn’t like me, but that’s okay. You moved away soon after because your dad was in the military, I believe, but I still appreciate you for giving me the first taste of a like I ever remember feeling. I don’t even remember your last name, but I’ll always remember being infatuated with you and your masterful paper cutting. Thank you.
I’m going to go ahead and say again I know how problematic this movie is; however, as a child, I was focused less on the romance and more on the journalistic perspective. I loved watching Josie Geller get her story. As an adult, I obviously see how the storyline wasn’t a good idea in the least, but I wanted to write my own little version of Josie’s ending article where she asks Sam to meet her on the baseball field, but you know, obviously not problematic, so here goes:
I am 28-years-old. I have kissed many people. A writer to the core, I spend most of my time writing articles about movies and using them to explore many feelings within my own head.
In high school, it was basically the same, except it was full of angst-filled journal entries. At sixteen, I thought I was finally going to get my first kiss, but the guy I liked didn’t seem to share my feelings and could be a little bit of an ass, but he was a teenage boy, so I don’t really fault him for it.
High school was a lot of fun for me. I had friends. I was in the marching band. I was in the National Honor Society. I did community service. I never had a boyfriend or even a first kiss, and I yearned for it, but it never came, and looking back, that’s absolutely for the best.
Sometimes, I ask myself why I choose to share myself so fully in pieces like this, and for some reason, the best therapy I’ve found is sharing my life with the internet, so I continue to do it. With that being said, I’ve chosen to do this entire piece regarding my love life, and a certain teacher was certainly not responsible for my journey of self-discovery, as that would be wildly inappropriate.
My real self-discovery started months ago when I decided to take a full year off from dating if this one thing didn’t work out, and when it didn’t, I was hellbent on committing to this full year of no romantic activity whatsoever, and I’m starting to realize I didn’t do it for me; I did it because I was scared.
My love life has been, for lack of a better term, tumultuous, and I was afraid. I’ve had blunder after fuckup after poor decision, and I just decided to give up. I would like to say this whole idea was to better myself, and I think, in a way, it was, but I think the bigger part was the sheer terror of having to go through another stupid situation.
That is why I, Baillee Perkins, will be standing here and embracing the dating world once more. I am a meet cute kind of girl, and what’s more organic than writing a piece and announcing my reentry into the dating world? I’m not standing on the pitcher’s mound, but I’m not sitting at home anymore. To the person I did like, I’m pretty sure you very much did not like me back, and that’s totally okay. If you do like me, hi hello. Regardless, I’m not hiding anymore, and I’m ready to embrace what the universe throws my way (dating apps still aren’t for me). Batter up.
The DUFF, in my opinion, is an underrated gem. Mae Whitman stars as Biana Piper, who finds out from Robbie Amell’s Wesley Rush, she’s “The DUFF” aka “Designated Ugly Fat Friend,” who allegedly exists to make her friends look more attractive. I know how this sounds, but there’s a lot to the story, and I’m absolutely oversimplifying it. There’s also a book by Kody Keplinger that I have, and I have yet to read, but I’ve heard it is very good. I digress. The DUFF ends with Biana writing an article about how we’re all going to be surrounded by someone more talented, more successful, etc… than us, and I fully agree. It deconstructs this entire idea of leagues (which are total and utter bullshit) and reminds us there’s no need to view things through this extremely limited lens. For my attempt at her ending piece, I wanted to write about someone I liked, and I think liked me in college, but I thought he was out of my league, so I never went for it.
When I was in college, I was still very much finding myself. I wanted to fit into a specific cliched version of myself. I very much wanted to be in the league I thought you were in, so I chickened out every single time I had a moment to like you or make a move, and I regret it now because I know that leagues are stupid.
When we put people on pedestals, all we do is reinforce the stereotypes we’ve created in our own minds for them, but times are changing. You don’t have to identify people with what superlative they earned in high school because for a lot of us (and yes, there are definitely exceptions), high school was the most confusing time of all. You don’t have to be a jock, or a nerd, or a theater kid for life if you don’t want to be, and if you do, there’s nothing wrong with that either, but don’t compare yourself to those around you.
There will always be people that are better than you at something because if we were all equipped with the same skills, life would be an absolute drag. We have to get this idea out of our heads that we only fit in the same box we did in high school, and we can’t change and evolve. High school isn’t the epitome of life itself, so why should we act like it? I can’t promise you that the person you ask out will say yes, but I can promise you that you’ll regret it later if you don’t. Trust me.
10 Things I Hate About You is one of my absolute favorite movies of all time. I can quote it. I usually watch it about once a month or so. Kat Stratford inspired my first pair of cargo pants. Need I go on? If you haven’t seen it, it’s a product of the late 90s/early 00s wave of Shakespeare adaptations, this particular one being The Taming of the Shrew. At the end of the movie, Kat delivers an emotional sonnet in class aimed at a very young and very dreamy Heath Ledger. Since this scene has made me cry multiple times, I really wanted to make my version a bit more serious than its predecessors. Enjoy.
I hate the way you don’t talk to me
And the way you cut me out
I hate the way you trashed your car
I hate that I have so much doubt
I hate your love of tardiness
And how your parents were so kind
I hate you in ways I’ve never known
Even now, you cross my mind
I hate the way you understood
I hate it when you drink
I hate it when you knew what to say
Even worse when you let me sink
I hate it when you left my house, and the fact you never texted
But mostly I hate the way I would take you back, in a second, in a minute, and that’s even more unexpected.
If you know me at all, you know I love Practical Magic. You have witches. You have an incredible cast. You have frogs. You have everything you could possibly need, including a “spell” called Amas Veritas that a young Sandy B casts in an attempt to never fall in love so that her beloved will never fall victim to the family curse. I don’t think the “perfect” person exists in the sense that you don’t really know what you need and want until you truly find it, so I took a bit more of a realistic approach with my own little Amas Veritas:
They will hear me choke on my toothpaste every single morning and just ignore it.
They can whistle the part in “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard” and not question why I listen to it at least once a day.
They can ride to the nearest HEB when I forget to buy tampons and knows to get Tampax regular sport
They can flip on the TV for me when the remote is on the other side of the room
They’ll be marvelously skilled when it comes to unclogging the shower drain
Their favorite shape is the Taco Bell
And they’ll have two favorite types of Tylenol, both Extra Strength and Cold & Sinus
Romantic comedies are most often rooted in fantasy, and that’s why I enjoy them. We usually know exactly what we’re going to get, and we know more often than not, our couple is going up together in the end, regardless of whether or not it’s for the best. I wanted to write this because my love life isn’t picturesque, and reality doesn’t wrap up neatly for the credits to roll. You get heartbroken, rejected, and ghosted. You don’t always get closure, regardless of how much you want it. That’s why I wanted to write my own versions of these little pieces because I wanted to shape them into a more realistic read. I wanted to use my own experiences to make them a little more authentic, and, as always, to put my own personal spin on it. I know I haven’t found the write person yet, but when I do, I’ll be sure to let you know I’ve finally found my type.
Nobody puts baillee in the corner 
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