Nobody puts baillee in the corner

I’ve been sick for the past few days, so I’ve had some time to really think about everything from the past few months, and I finally realize I’ve gathered the words I need to say.

It’s no big secret that I’ve had a rough few months, but I haven’t publicly addressed it, and honestly, I’m not going to, but I am going to write about the emotional aftermath.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been punishing myself. I’ve been punishing myself for working at Starbucks. I’ve been punishing myself for liking the wrong people. I’ve been punishing myself for not writing. I’ve been punishing myself for not getting out of my apartment. I’ve been punishing myself for not being like the people the people I like are sleeping with. I’ve been punishing myself for not being where I think I should be. I’ve been punishing myself for every single thing imaginable. I’ve been punishing myself for things totally out of my control. And I’m so, so tired.

I’ve been tormenting myself endlessly by sleeping and robbing myself of the things I enjoy, and once you let yourself believe you deserve only the bad, it’s hard to start accepting the good. It makes your social anxiety skyrocket, and you basically watch yourself wither.

I have a whole lot of work to do, and that’s why the theme of 2020 is healing. I’m working on saying all the things I’ve either been too afraid to say or haven’t been able to articulate properly. I want to be able to just take the bus downtown and go to The Hideout or go see a movie by myself or not be shaking on the inside when out in public because I feel like I don’t deserve to be around people.

It’s, for lack of a better phrase, fucking exhausting. There are some things I’m going to start working through with my writing, and there are others I’m going to work on on my own. With that being said, today marks the beginning of my new year project, one that I actually plan on committing to, where every day I’m going to share something I did to help myself heal, whether it’s a blog post, listening to a song or podcast, watching a movie, or just taking my dogs for a walk.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to get better. I deserve to rid myself of any and all toxicity of my past. Most of all, I deserve to keep trying.