Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Last night, I started a blog post talking about all of the difficulties of 2018 and how I wished 2019 was going to be better. I could bore you by splicing together that blog post, or I could tell you what genuinely happened last night. Since I’ve never lied here, I’m going to be honest: Yesterday I started falling back into some old habits. 

During work, someone from a past life came in, and it caught me off guard. I let myself get lost in my own head; it wasn’t a bad interaction or anything, but being my own worst enemy, I spiraled out and convinced myself I was a failure for essentially being in the same position I was when I worked with this person over two years ago. 

I let myself drudge up some ancient history and think about things I shouldn’t have been thinking about, so it made me a little anxious dingus for the rest of the day. After work, I went to HEB and got a bottle of wine, a bag of cheese cubes, and a bag of dill pickle chips. 

I chugged the wine, proceeded to act like a jackass by purposely trying to pick fights because I was drunk and upset, and wound up passing out on my couch after an entire bottle of wine and two milk and Bailey’s (yes, you read that correctly). 

I seriously let myself get upset over something because I was in my own head about it. I got upset because this person made me think of someone else and an entirely different time in my life. I let myself get drunk because of my own anxieties, and it was really stupid. 

Do I wish 2019 is a better year? Absolutely. Could I go on and on about everything bad that happened in 2018? You bet. Am I going to stop asking rhetorical questions? … 

The point is in order for 2019 to be a better year, I have to be better. I have to try to stop getting in my head all the time. I have to stop being my own worst enemy. I have to stop concocting others’ perceptions of me. 

Am I going to slip up? Definitely. I’m going to get a little too drunk because of anxiety and bad days. I’m going to lash out at people I care about because of stupid circumstances. I’m going to dwell on interactions and dissect them over and over again in my head. I want to reduce the amount of times it happens, and I want to become more self-aware. That’s the ultimate goal of 2019: I want to be better. 

Happy New Year.