Nobody puts baillee in the corner

I’ve been toying with the idea of dating again since last fall, but I keep dragging my heels. 

I wouldn’t necessary call my love life “lucky,” but I’ve come to realize I’ve been “lucky” in the sense that I’ve never had to rely on the apps before. 

In a pre-COVID world, I always met people organically. Plus, I worked in the service industry for the better part of a decade, so I was consistently around people. 

But it’s an entirely different world now (in more ways than one). 

I also think that’s why I’m so bummed things didn’t work with Bryce when I reached out last year. 

Don’t get me wrong—I’ll always believe we had/have potential, but it also would’ve been so much easier to have rekindled something than have to try to start from scratch. 

I’m so nervous to put myself back out there because of a) our current political climate and b) I want very specific things. 

I’m in no rush to move in with someone and/or get married. 

I want an exclusive relationship, but I really want to build a strong foundation and take things slow. 

I have no desire to move fast, and I don’t want to be pressured in any capacity. 

But, I feel like a lot of people on the apps either only want to hook up or immediately want to settle down and what I want falls in the middle. 

I’m also just…scared. It’s been four and a half years since I’ve dated anyone, and as Love is a Working Title has shown everyone, my love life leading up to now has been tumultuous to say the least. 

So what’s a girl to do? 

Half-heartedly download an app or two and try not to delete her account after a few days of gross messages? 

Secretly hope she’ll somehow sit next to a someone special at the movies? 

Write a blog post about everything because she’s a perpetual internalizer and can only articulate her feelings in writing which probably stems back to her childhood trauma? (Oops) 

In all seriousness though, I don’t know what to do. 

I know I can’t keep wishing and hoping that someone from my past will randomly pop back up, and I don’t have to build a new relationship from the ground up. 

I know that I’m going to have to do something, be it the apps, mixers, or the like. 

But I also kind of hate it and wish I could just start a relationship like two years in because I’ve done my fair share of small talk and pretending like no one has baggage. 

I want to immediately get past all the pleasantries because we all have weird quirks and do gross things. 

That’s why I’m so conflicted about opening this can of worms. 

I know that something really good could come out of it, but I’m already exhausted at the thought of having to wade through a sea of bad dates. 

I guess I have some thinking to do. 

Stay tuned, my dear readers.