Nobody puts baillee in the corner

I try not to live with regrets, but I also have severe anxiety, so I can’t help but think back on the actions of my past and try not to spiral. 

This story is one that I can’t help but think about from time to time. 

Spenser was a mutual friend of some of the other RAs I hung out with during my sophomore year of college. 

He was cute, nice, and introduced me to Childish Gambino, which I’ll always be grateful for. 

We had a Spanish class together, so we had gotten to know each other a little bit, and I definitely had a crush on him. 

Little did I know, it seemed as though the feelings were mutual. 

Spenser and I hung out several times with our mutual friends, and I’m going to go ahead and admit that I did something I’m not proud of here: 

I pretended to be a big Saints fan because he was from New Orleans, and he was a big football guy. 

And, I would go on to keep up this lie for like three years. 

If you know me AT ALL, the fact that I would go so far as to enable ESPN notifications on my phone and research all the players is truly comical.

But, I did it, and I’m, in no way, proud. 

Back to the story. 

One night, two of our mutual friends invited me over to their friend’s apartment for a little hang sesh. 

However, it turned out that the friend whose apartment we went to, let’s call her Maxine, wasn’t thrilled that I was there. 

Now, this is purely speculation on my part, but judging by her reaction to me showing up, I believe Maxine had a crush on Spenser and felt as though I was competition. 

At one point, she even pulled one of the friends I came with into the kitchen and asked why I was there, to which the friend replied, “Spenser told us it was cool to bring her.” 

For the remainder of the night, Maxine was…civil, at best. 

Now, I do want to be fair to Maxine because I’ve been in this position before. When you like someone, especially one of your friends, it can be really hard to watch them like someone else. 

I’m genuinely sorry she was put in that position, as it wasn’t fair to either of us. 

However, Spenser wasn’t the type of guy to cause drama, whatsoever, so I either don’t think he knew Maxine liked him, or he had let her down gently a while back. 

I know I tend to get myself into situationships with people who live for the drama, but Spenser was never like that. 

I digress. 

After that night at Maxine’s, we hung out a few more times with friends. Then, he stayed up with me for two nights straight during finals to help me study, even texting me each morning to make sure I had woken up. 

The semester ended, and Spenser went back home while I became a summer RA (this was the summer my parents got back together after their divorce, so it was a healthier option for me at the time). 

One of our mutual friends was also a summer RA, and the other lived in town, so I hung out with them throughout the summer. 

Finally, one of them, let’s call her Angela, made a point to bring up the elephant in the room, aka that something was going on with Spenser and me. 

I had never told Angela that I liked Spenser, so she decided to test me and said, “Yeah, so Spenser told me about y’all.” 

I was FLOORED, and she said, “Okay, he didn’t, and he’s not showing up to the door with flowers right now or anything, but something’s gotta give with the two of you.”

I told her I liked him, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, and she said she wouldn’t say anything. 

In retrospect, I should’ve texted Spenser then and there and just told him I liked him because we were already halfway through the summer, and I would’ve been able to see him in a matter of weeks. 

Plus, he was going to live on campus again, and I was going into my second year of being an RA, so it definitely could’ve worked out. 

Instead, I kept going back and forth, and my indecision became my decision. 

I was so anxious about the entire thing that I didn’t text him at all. 

I also drifted apart from our mutual friends, so the whole thing fizzled out. 

At least, I *think* we just drifted apart. 

I feel there might have been some drama, but also, I was a) going through so much trauma in college that things are fuzzy and b) that’s also around the time I started drinking, so I can’t recall what exactly happened. 

If I did something, I do sincerely apologize to that entire group because they were supportive during a time when I was broken. 

Now, I know I can’t take the entire blame on this one because Spenser could’ve also said something, but the dude invited me to hang out multiple times. 

He offered to stay up with me for almost 48 hours to study. 

He was being super obvious, and I just let myself get insecure, even though it was clear by his actions (and Angela’s) that he liked me. 

I’m sure I came across as immature and indecisive, so even if he liked me, I was sending him mixed signals. 

I also don’t think it helped that I had kind of a weird and codependent relationship with one of my best guy friends at the time. 

Additionally, I have one last thing to confess… 

One of the last times I got drunk, I think I requested to follow him on Instagram. 

(As a reminder, I’m going on four years sober, so this was a long time ago) 

He obviously didn’t accept, as I hadn’t spoken to him in years, and I don’t know if he blocked me or not because when I sobered up and realized what I did, I was always too scared to go back and look. 

We were friends on Facebook for a while, but he unfriended me there at some point. 

And, I can’t say that I blame him. 

Out of all the blunders I’ve made in my love life, Spenser might be the one I regret the most. 

He was a really good guy, and I should’ve just told him I liked him. 

Hell, I should’ve said ANYTHING. 

But, at the same time, I understand that dating Spenser might’ve put me on an entirely different path, and I’m a firm believer that you always end up exactly where you’re meant to be. 

Spenser, I sincerely wish you the absolute best. 

I’m glad we hung out, even if it was only for a little bit. 

It helped me to learn that, sometimes, you have to make bold moves and not be afraid to put yourself out there (even if I still struggle with it). 

You also introduced me to one of my favorite albums of all time in Camp. 

Geaux almost relationships

And, that’ll do us for this year, dear readers. 

But never fear, I’ve already started the outline for Love is a Working Title: 2026. 

Thank you for joining me, once again, for more stories of my unlucky in love life. 

See you next February. 🖤