Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Alrighty, it’s time for one of the most quintessential experiences in every queer person’s life. 

That’s right, friends. 

Let’s talk about my church camp story. 

Now, I want to go ahead and let you down up top. 

I didn’t lose my virginity at church camp, nor did anything physical happen. 

You see, this is one of those stories that you look back on, years down the road, and realize, “Oh my god, that person liked me.” 

Also, for context, this happened at a church camp that’s very special to me. 

I went with the only church I ever felt accepted by/comfortable in, and there’s just something magical about this camp. 

I went several times over the years between Camp Fire and my youth group, and I only have fond memories of being there. 

This particular story takes place the summer before my senior year of high school. 

I went to camp with one of my good friends at the time, and we made friends with a couple of the girls who were a year ahead of us, one of them being Jane. 

Looking back, I realize that I was attracted to Jane, but I was closeted and still didn’t quite know how to process my feelings that weren’t for dudes. 

Jane was going to go to a semi-local all-girls college in the fall, and the word “charming” doesn’t quite do her justice. 

She was just one of those people with a magnetic personality, and you could tell that she was genuinely kind. 

Jane had also come to camp with one of her friends, and, while she hung out with the seniors, she would always make a point to hang out with me at various times throughout the day. 

On one of those days, she tagged along with my friend and me, as well as a couple of other girls from our cabin, to go sit at one of the picnic tables by the lake. 

Jane sat down beside me, smiled, and said, “Baillee, has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful eyes? They’re seriously stunning.” 

Now, if you’re like me, and aren’t straight, there’s always a moment where you have to distinguish between whether a girl or femme-presenting peep is complimenting you or if they’re hitting on you. 

And, I can’t guarantee this because it was almost 16 years ago, but judging by the way it made me feel, as well as the delivery, Jane was hitting on me. 

The next day, Jane asked if she could borrow a shirt of mine because the one she wanted to wear had gotten wet. 

Now, I’m sure that all of you are shaking your heads at this point, but you have to remember that I was a 16-year-old closeted kid who had convinced herself that no one liked her. 

Jane wore my shirt for the entirety of the day, and during a dance party that evening, our eyes locked, she smiled at me, and winked. 

(Editor Elliott would like it to be known that this is the point she screamed)

At the end of the week, Jane gave me her number and told me I should get a tour of her college in the fall, and that I could stay with her. 

She also added me on Facebook and Myspace. 

We messaged a little bit, but another thing to remember is that we were both religious at the time and lived in our respective small Texas towns. 

I didn’t hear much from Jane after that fall, and, as far as I could tell, I think she blocked me soon after. 

However, I can’t tell if she also deactivated her accounts. 

For full disclosure, I tried to search for her when I started working on this year’s Love is a Working Title series, but I came up empty-handed. 

I just hope that she didn’t get outed, because she was attending a religious college that fall. 

Given the area she was in, it makes me worried about what might’ve happened if she was found out. 

I also hope that if she is/was queer she’s not stuck in the closet, miserable. 

I hope that she’s living her best life and is out and proud, but, unfortunately, I know people who buried their queerness deep down and still pretend to be straight, just to avoid any potential consequences. 

I have to accept that I’ll never know what happened to her, but it’s still hard to think about. 

Jane, thank you for liking me all those years ago. 

I hope that you’re okay, and I’m sorry that I didn’t quite understand that you were flirting with me. 

You seemed like an incredible person, and I just hope that you didn’t grow into the small-minded beliefs that surrounded us. 

We’ll always have The Ready Set. 

Until next time, dear readers.