Nobody puts baillee in the corner

I started this project years ago because I had never been in love, and I still haven’t. But with Matty, I was close. Really damn close. 

Oh, Matty. 

For those who don’t know, Matty’s pseudonym is an allusion to Matty McKibben from Awkward. I think a tiny little part of me will always have feelings for Matty even though I know we would absolutely never work. 

I’m going to save all of my takeaways for the end because I’ve teased this story to y’all for so long, so let’s get to it. 

Matty and I met when I was transferred to his store after mine was closing down. Yes, I was his boss, and yes, he was a couple of years younger than me. It’s not great, but that’s just the truth. 

He briefly dated another girl we worked with, but then we closed together one night, and he offered to give me a ride home. 

And then the rest was kind of history. 

He asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I said yes. We hung out at my place for a while and then decided to catch a movie later on. 

After that night, we hung out constantly. We’d usually just chill at my place, but we’d also hang out with my roommate at the time, who is now one of my best friends, and one of our coworkers. 

We’ll call my roommate Anya and our coworker Dylan. 

Matty got me in a way no one else I’ve really liked has. Nothing about me really phased him, and he embraced the weird because he was also weird in the best way. 

Things were good between Matty and me for a few months. Then, one night, we were supposed to hang out, and he gave me some excuse about trying to reset his sleep schedule, and, instead, he just dropped me off. 

Naturally, I bawled. 

The excuses became more frequent, and I did get clingier. I’ll fully admit it. 

Finally, on Halloween of that year right before he left my apartment, I told Matty I had feelings for him, and I wanted to be more than friends. 

He said, “Okay,” sat in the parking lot for a really long time, and then left. 

I didn’t see or hear from him for two years after that night. 

I drunkenly texted him a couple of times, and he never responded…until he did. 

Matty told me he missed me, and he asked if I would be open to hanging out with him again. 

However, I liked someone else at the time, and I didn’t know how to explain Matty or the situation. Soon after, this person told me they only liked me as a friend.

So, two weeks after Matty texted me, I told him I was down. He texted me back almost immediately and asked if we could hang the next day. 

Matty showed up with a six pack and a smile on his face that just brought red to my cheeks. After we started drinking a little bit, I told Matty about the situation with the aforementioned person and how things never worked out for me. Without skipping a beat, Matty looked me dead in the eyes and said,

“Well, I think you’re the kind of girl who is endgame, and I think it scares the shit out of guys because you’re the real deal. But what would I know?” 

And took a sip of his beer. 

Let that sink in for a moment. 

After that night, Matty and I were inseparable for a hot minute. And, I have to say, dear readers, things were incredible. I truly thought everything was going to work out this time. 

He would run to the store for things I needed, texted when he said he would, and met all of my friends. Careful! Don’t trip OVER THAT BAR ON THE FLOOR. 🤦‍♀️

Everything was great. Matty even admitted that Dylan liked Anya when Matty and I were first hanging out, and that the entire reason Dylan came around so much was because he had a major crush on Anya, and it was meant to be a double-date situation. 

And then came the infamous Thanksgiving. 

I’ve always been a bit of a Thanksgiving orphan. Sometimes I’ll join friends for Thanksgiving and Christmas alike, but the holidays are a weird trigger for me, so I tend to just keep to myself. 

This year, Matty invited me to his house for Thanksgiving, but, unfortunately, this Thanksgiving would seal my fate. 

At one point during the day, his mom pulled me aside and told me how happy she was to meet me because I was so special to Matty, and was elated that Matty had met someone like me and that I was a part of their family now. 

For one brief moment, I felt amazing…until I saw Matty’s face. 

I was endgame. I had scared the shit out of him. He did know. 

After Thanksgiving, our hangouts dwindled. 

The texts stopped. 

And, he was gone by Christmas. Again. 

I abide by what I call the rule of 3. 

I will text someone three times. If they either don’t respond or stay noncommittal after those texts, I leave the ball in their court. 

Matty responded after the first time, and I texted him twice after that. 

He didn’t respond to either. 

After those texts, I blocked Matty’s number and unfriended him on Facebook. 

That was going on seven years ago. 

I also recently blocked him on Venmo because I realized I hadn’t. 

I truly want to tell you I learned my lesson. But, this series is about honesty, so I’ll shoot you straight: 

It would take every fiber of my being and common sense to not let him back into my life because my heart would say yes every goddamn time. 

I know I could never be with Matty because I would be terrified he would leave at a moment’s notice, but y’all have no idea how badly I would want it to work. 

I am ready to move on and find my person though. I want someone who wants to be here. 

I deserve someone who wants to be here. 

Do I wish that person was Matty? Absolutely. 

But it’s not. 

It’s not Andrew. It’s not Trevor. It’s not Austin. It’s not Bryce. And it’s not Matty. 

That’s the entire point of this series.

I have to let them go. I have to let all of the stories go. I have to let the feelings go. 

The heartbreak. The sentimentality. The romanticizing. All of it. 

I may regret some of my actions, but I don’t regret these experiences. 

They’ve all taught me what I’m looking for and led me closer to who I’m looking for. 

That’s why Love is a Working Title.