Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Out of the five people I’m thinking about, I think Trevor is the one who might get upset about me writing this. I believe he unfollowed me on Instagram, but, Trevor, if you read this, I promise I’m not doing this to hurt you; I just need to get all of these stories off my chest. 

After I wrote about Andrew, it felt like, and I mean this seriously, I was Marceline slaying one of the vampires in STAKES! Believe me or not, but I felt lighter. I felt relieved. I felt better. 

So, we’re going to continue. And again, I don’t know if you’ll believe me, Trevor, but I promise this isn’t anything personal, and I hope you’re doing well. 

I was an RA in Trevor’s building his freshman year of college during my senior year of college. I remained friends with many of my residents after I graduated, and some of my best friends to this very day were in that group. Another one of my best friends was an RA with me at the time. We’ll call her Dana. 

Now listen, this is the year my drinking problem began, and I was a hot fucking mess. There were times my residents held my hair back while I puked because my entire life had been planned until this moment, and I was spiraling about what came next. I also, for sure, was way too flirty for my own good. I smoked cigarettes like it was no one’s business. I barely ate. It definitely wasn’t my finest hour. 

After I graduated, I stayed friends with Trevor, and we had an established friend group that was composed of other residents and Dana. We spent many a night at Trevor’s apartment playing Jackbox games and watching movies…and drinking heavily (I was drinking the most, obviously). 

After a few months, I realized I was beginning to have feelings for Trevor. One night, I actually left his apartment because I found out he had hooked up with a girl (let’s call her Claire), and although we weren’t dating or anything, it destroyed me. Claire and Trevor had also gone to high school together (I believe), so she floated in and out of our friend group. Claire was also… a bit territorial over Trevor, and I don’t think he was mad about it. That’s purely speculation, but it’s how I read the situation. 

It’s also how KP (my mom) read the situation because we once picked up Dana and went to hang out with some of my friends. Trevor brought Claire and a couple other people, and KP, being the goddamn saint she was, decided to make a comment about Trevor and Claire’s behavior by saying, “And Trevor and Claire, y’all are a couple, right?” 

Dana almost peed her pants because she knew what KP was doing, and I kicked KP under the table. Back to the story. 

As is tradition for me, instead of being open and honest with my feelings, I was passive aggressive, let myself get hurt, and didn’t have an open and honest dialogue. I was also drinking HEAVILY, so many nights would end with me puking, saying and doing stupid shit, and, in one instance, blacking out and having to lie on the floor of a friend’s apartment in total darkness for over an hour. 

One night (I believe it was the night of our friend group’s Secret Santa gift exchange), I left a note in a book on his nightstand, left the party, and texted him to let him know it was there. An old friend of mine who lived in my same complex offered to pick me up from the party and graciously let me hang out with her and her boyfriend until Trevor texted me back. 

I can’t tell you exactly what my letter said, but the gist was me telling him I liked him, but I wanted to keep his friendship, so it was totally fine if he didn’t like me back. I also can’t tell you what his text exactly said, but the gist was he didn’t feel the same way. 

And it all ended right there. The end! 

Except…it didn’t. 

We stayed friends for a good while after that, and everything was good. We both liked and/or hooked up with other people, and, sure, I still had some feelings for him because they linger, but it was fine. 

Then, Matty came into the picture. 

Oh yes, friends. Matty not only gets his own piece, but he makes an appearance in this story as well.

Matty and I met because the place I worked at was closing my location (which still breaks my heart to this day because I LOVED that job so much), so they transferred me to Matty’s location. 

I’ll save most of the details for Matty’s story, but Trevor was jealous, and you couldn’t tell me different. Once Matty came into the picture, Trevor wanted to hang out all the time and was extremely touchy. And I, 100%, ate it up. 

There was one night that I said I wasn’t hungry when Trevor offered to get me food on the way to his apartment. When we got to his apartment, I said I was starving, and that man not only made me Mac n Cheese but scooped it into a bowl and brought it over to me in a cup towel so I wouldn’t burn myself. 

One day, Trevor wanted to come over to show me his favorite video game…and I invited Matty over…and didn’t tell Trevor until the day of. Yeah, I’m not very proud of past Baillee. 

It was clear Matty and I were into each other, and I do think I really hurt Trevor. It only hurt him more when I suggested we watch a horror movie after we finished the game. Not only did Trevor dislike horror movies, but he had actually tried to watch this particular movie with me before and couldn’t make it past the first few minutes. 

Trevor recommended a movie neither Matty or I had seen, so we watched it. However, I wanted to revisit the aforementioned horror movie (you know, like an asshole) after we finished the current movie. Matty was super down, but Trevor was hesitant. I also knew Trevor had to call it an early-ish night. 

But, I also knew Trevor didn’t want to leave me alone with Matty. Matty went to the bathroom, and Trevor told me that he wanted to stay, but I knew how he felt about the movie I wanted to watch. I decided the most mature and appropriate response was, “Then stay.” 

After Trevor left, he texted me a couple times, but I purposely put my phone in the other room and placed it on silent. 

Trevor, I will apologize for this part. I absolutely invited Matty over on purpose because I knew it would upset you, and I’m incredibly sorry. 

This summer would honestly mark the beginning of the end for mine and Trevor’s friendship. Things just turned toxic. 

I decided to have my birthday party at the skating rink to honor Angel Olsen’s “Shut Up, Kiss Me.” The kicker was, I didn’t know how to skate, so Trevor kept getting me to hold his hand to go around the rink. 

Additionally, Matty was supposed to show up, and in true Matty fashion…didn’t. Matty claimed he had car trouble. To be fair, his car was a shitbox that I called the Golden Girl (it was bright yellow), and he was nursing it along. However, I don’t believe that’s why Matty bailed. But, we’ll save all of those details for his piece. 

When it became glaringly obvious that Matty wasn’t going to show, Trevor decided to show his ass and asked, “How is Matty, and where is that kid tonight?”

When I got home from my party, I cried. I wanted Matty to show up, and I thought I had made the wrong decision, even though no ultimatum had been given. 

The next night, I was going to go to karaoke with Trevor, Claire, and Trevor’s roommate. To get back at me for the night before, Trevor kept telling Claire how beautiful she was and then looking over to gauge my reaction. The rideshare set the tone for the night, and I wound up calling friends to come get me. 

As I mentioned earlier, this continued for the duration of the summer. 

One night, Trevor and I were hanging out with his roommate at an event. I was zoning out and looking at the console because I was in the backseat and sleepy, and I happened to look at Trevor’s phone. 

Y’all, I swear on my dear mother’s ashes in my living room that I wasn’t snooping. He just moved his phone into my eyesight, so it looked like I was. Suddenly, he texts the girl he was talking to and said, “I have to go. I’m about to get in trouble.” 

To clarify, Trevor and I NEVER DATED. WE WERE NOT DATING. I WAS NOT THIS MAN’S PARTNER. 

So, naturally, I got pissed. 

I started texting Dana about the situation, and Trevor got out of the car to go to the bathroom. At some point, he had decided to sneak back to the car to read my phone over my shoulder for a moment before asking me what I was doing.

Outside of the occasional comment from Trevor’s oblivious roommate, the car was silent for the majority of the night. 

Then, there was an infamous November night in 2016. I’m sure you can connect the dots on what I’m referring to here. 

I would end up getting HAMMERED with Trevor, like brown out HAMMERED. He started talking about eventually moving back to Houston, and I told him he shouldn’t. I didn’t mean it in a romantic capacity; I simply meant I would miss my friend. 

He gave me a look, smiled, and asked why I didn’t want him to leave. I said nothing and asked to be taken home shortly after. 

It wasn’t too long after this night that I ghosted Trevor.

I feel really bad about it because Trevor even reached out to several friends to ask why I wasn’t talking to him, and I should’ve just had a mature conversation with him. 

But, don’t worry, in 2019 I got super drunk after being dumped by a guy I briefly dated from Bumble, and, uh, DM’D TREVOR AN APOLOGY ON INSTAGRAM, SO WE SHOULD BE ALL GOOD. 

If y’all ever have any doubt of the reason I’m going on three years sober, the majority of these stories should clear things up for you. 

Trevor, I’m sorry for ghosting you, and I’m sorry for the drunken apology on Instagram. 

I unfollowed you after you unfollowed me on Instagram (I guess I still have a little spite left in me yet), but it seemed like you were doing really well, and I’m glad. 

I’m also not sure if you unfollowed me naturally or did it after I joked about my type in men being people I thought I could fix in the Renfield review I wrote, but that comment wasn’t aimed at you, and I’m sorry if you thought it was. 

Another toxic thing about the entire situation with Trevor is that I felt the need to starve myself. I got in my head that I needed to look a certain way for him to like me. I would purposely not eat what I wanted to or as much as I wanted to. Trevor never said anything, and I don’t want it to sound as though he was to blame. 

I just want to illustrate how unhealthy I was during this time period. I’m not trying to make excuses for my behavior because there aren’t any. 

I was making piss poor decisions like binge drinking, and I wasn’t mentally well. 

But, I will say I do miss game nights. I hope you still have some good memories of our friendship too, Trevor. 

I don’t necessarily know if Trevor and I would still be friends to the same degree we were, but I think we’d, at the very least, probably still send each other funny things on Instagram. 

I wish you nothing but the best, bud, and we’ll always have Terminator 2. 

Until the next entry.