Nobody puts baillee in the corner

I don’t know why, but this holiday season has been a bit harder then the rest. I’ve talked about how the holiday season always makes me a bit sad, but this year is different. 

I’m not sure if it’s because it’s the second holiday season after KP died, the fact that the world is crumbling, or what, but I’ve been struggling with the holidays blues. 

With that being said, I’ve been thinking about all of the things I wish I could’ve asked my mom about this year. I’m not going to share everything, but I wanted to share a few with you, dear readers. 

• Are you proud of me for launching B Movies? 
• Can you see how well Shilo is doing?
• Can you teach me to sew? 
• Who is your favorite performer on Dragula this season? 
• Do you think I do okay in our YouTube videos? 
• What do you think about this outfit? 
• Are you okay? 
• Do you miss us as much as we miss you? 

I already know the answers to a lot of these questions, but it’s so hard to not be able to hear the answers in real time. 

I talk to KP almost every day. Not in a Norman Bates way, but just in the same way you’d pray or mediate. I know it sounds silly, but there’s something comforting in it. 

I’ve been looking at a lot of grief account on Instagram, and I know this is all totally normal, but I still feel like I’m a bummer at times or simply the “dead mom girl.” 

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been having a BLAST this holiday season. I’ve gone to a million light shows, got to see Jinkx and BenDeLa, spend time with my sister and brother-in-law, the works. 

However, I just can’t shake the bit of sadness that has been creeping in because I want my mom. 

I want to hear her laugh. I want her to go get us Sonic drinks while I work. I want to her advice on so many things in my life. 

I may be 31-years-old, but I want my mom. 

Grief is so very hard, but I’m trying my best, just like we all are. 

I wish I had a quippy little way to end this blog today, but unfortunately, I don’t, so I’ll leave you with this. 

Ask your loved ones the questions you’ve been avoiding because you think they’re silly. Ask them to show you things and to tell you stories about themselves, even if you think you know everything about them. 

I promise you won’t regret it.