Nobody puts baillee in the corner

It’s so weird being in your 30s. Don’t get me wrong. I love it, and I’m only 31, so I’m not too terribly far in, but hear me out.

As you begin to leave your 20s, there are a lot of changes and shifts within your routine and friend group. 

You start to care more about yourself, and in my case, get sober (around two and a half years, baby). You watch your friends find their partners and have kids. Plans have to be made weeks in advance, instead of deciding to do something spontaneous the morning of. 

It’s an adjustment, but it’s a good adjustment. I feel like the closer you get to your 30s, the more you feel you have a handle on things. Life is too unpredictable to ever fully know what you’re doing, and we’re all trying out best. But for me, I feel like I can ride the mechanical bull of life for a few seconds longer before plummeting to the ground. I digress. 

Now that I’ve begun dipping my toes into my 30s, I’m finding myself at this weird impasse where I feel like I’m finally ready to share my life with someone but at the same time love where I am. 

I love going to the movies alone (which I do often) and love my apartment exactly how it is. The thought of having in-laws gives me anxiety nine ways to Sunday (my family doesn’t have the best luck with them), and I’m absolutely not ready for any big moves. 

But, there’s this little part of me, raising its hand in the very back of class saying, “Well, maybe it would be nice to have partner.” 

We all know my stance on dating apps so that isn’t an option, and even if I wanted to try to start dating again, I have no clue where to start. 

I haven’t gone on a date in years, and I come with an entire set of emotional baggage (including a dog who needs special care and another who hates everyone). I don’t have contact with most of my family. My mom’s dead. The list goes on and on. 

Additionally, I don’t have the best track record with liking people or dating. I know what I’m looking for, but honestly, I don’t know if this person exists. And more honestly, I don’t know if anyone can live up to the standards I have in my head. 

I think the moral of the story here is I need to figure out what I want. I’m definitely not a casual girlie, but I also don’t know how I would feel being in a serious relationship. I want to live with my partner before we get married, but I would have to share my space. 

Idk man. I feel like I almost want someone but on my terms, and that’s not fair. I think your girl definitely has some thinking to do. 

Now if you’ll excuse, I’m going to try to hop back on that bull.