Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Ever since I moved away from home for college, the holidays have lost a little of their magic. (To clarify, I’m talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas because Halloween is still my everything). 

Don’t get me wrong. I still write my letter to “Santa” (it’s more of a letter to the universe/to show myself how much I’ve grown in a year), trim my trees, and watch the Macy’s Day Parade with the best of them. 

I’m still enamored by Christmas lights and have a mile-long list of traditions. But, when you start growing up, the whimsy becomes a little more stressful, and the giddiness starts to shift into sadness. 

This is a long-winded way of saying the holiday season always makes me a little sad. There have been many times over the past 13 years where I couldn’t afford to go home, KP couldn’t afford to come get me, or I couldn’t take off work because I worked in the service industry. 

I always receive invites to go to friends’ houses for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I’m always hesitant to accept because I’m scared my little Yuletide melancholia will ruin the holiday for others. 

Also, and I’m sure you can see where this is going, but it’s my first Thanksgiving alone since KP’s died. As AWFUL, as it was being at my grandmother’s last year, I still had my sister down the street.

This year, it’s just the Scruff Squad and me. Sure, I’ve already been to the movies this week (and have another ticket for Friday) and am fortunate enough to be able to do things like this regularly, but I can’t help but feel that bit of loneliness creeping back in. 

It’s a vicious cycle because I feel like I have no reason to have this little piece of sadness, but I also know my feelings are more than valid. 

To all of my fellow unhappy holiday friends, I see you, and I feel you. I understand where you’re coming from, and you’re allowed to feel a little downtrodden this Turkey Day and slightly  cheerless this Christmas (or whichever holidays you do and/or don’t celebrate). 

There’s still a lot of merriment in this season, but it’s okay if the lights twinkle a little duller for you. 

To all of those grieving this holiday season, I get it. Losing a loved one or having to cut out a loved one for your mental health, be it friend or family, is difficult.

You’re allowed to be heartbroken during the “most wonderful time of the year.” 

The best advice I can give is to reach out to others, do the things you love, and most importantly, keep going. 

There have been times when I truly didn’t think I could, but during those times, push harder. I promise the world shines a little brighter with you in it, even if it feels like no one would care if you weren’t here. 

I think I’ve rambled enough throughout this one, so I’m going to quit while I’m (somewhat) ahead. Remember, it’s okay to cry, scream into a pillow, and/or set boundaries for your well-being. 

Happy Holidays, Everyone 🖤