Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Since KP died, I’ve gotten more and more comfortable with simply existing. Sure, grief isn’t linear, and a routine helps with coping, but it’s more than that. I’ve gotten comfortable with doing the same thing over and over each day. With not reaching out to friends when I should. With not spending my spare time doing things I’m passionate about and going to places I love. 

I’d be lying if I said my anxiety hasn’t been through the roof the past few weeks, and the holiday season felt empty without KP. It’s been hard to just shower and do simple every day things. But, I miss feeling like myself, and I think I’ve let myself get a little too comfortable with the baseline of living. That’s why I’m starting a movie-centric blog. That’s why I’ve cut my baby bangs. That’s why I’m considering doing stand up again. 

I love writing about movies, but I’ve been holding back the past few weeks. I got it in my head that I absolutely couldn’t cut my bangs again because I’d let my hair grow. I let my own anxiety and a couple of silly comments stop me from doing stand up when I really enjoyed it. 

Plus, the last thing KP would want is for me to move through my every day in a haze, just watching my days bleed together. 

I know it’ll take time for me to get back to a good spot, and I know some days will be better than others, but I want to start creating again. I want to start doing all of the big things that scare me. Dear reader, I think a lot of good things are ahead. And, I’m finally ready to start accepting them and working to achieve some big goals.