Nobody puts baillee in the corner

The past few days have felt like an episode of Russian Doll. I feel like I’m repeating the same steps over and over again, and I can’t quite seem to find my way out of the loop. 

I’ve always been told grief and healing aren’t linear, and the past few days have proven it. I miss KP so much it hurts, and it’s like I’m having to figure out how to start my life over again at 30. 

I’m so emotionally tired that my soul hurts. I know how stupid it sounds, but it’s true. A friend once read mine and KP’s tarot cards, and when we both drew similar cards, she said we were so cosmically close, it was like one soul had been split into two. 

I’m telling this story because whether you believe in those things or not, I think it’s the perfect description of how close KP and I were. I feel like part of me is missing, and the harder I try to get it back, the further it moves from my fingertips. 

The only place I truly feel at ease is with my writing. Whether it’s writing about shipping or movies or my feelings, I feel at home; I feel the same comfort I had with KP. 

I don’t know if it’s because she was my biggest fan or my role model or both, but I only feel whole when I’m putting my words to paper. 

I’m not saying any of this for attention or pity. (If you know me at all, you know that’s the last thing I want). But like I said, I only feel complete when I write, so I have to chase that feeling when and where I can.