Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Age has never really bothered me, and 30 is no different. That’s right. I, Baillee MaCloud Perkins, will be turning the big 3-0 here in a few short months. While it doesn’t bother me, I feel like 30 comes with such a weird stigma. For some reason, some people associate it with becoming an “adult,” and you apparently have to have all of your shit together.

It should go without saying how ridiculous this is. First and foremost, no one has their shit together, especially when we’re living in a pandemic and a time where it feels like the earth is casually exploding. (I still haven’t watched Don’t Look Up, and I think a bill should be passed outlawing catastrophe/doomsday movies for the next decade). Secondly, why is 30 this big milestone? I sincerely feel like I’ve just started to get my life going, and now, I’m supposed to have everything together? Thirdly, I am an old soul, but I follow pop culture and track trends like they’re going out of style (boom tiss), and I feel like it’s not seen as “mature” in some circles, which brings me to the point of this entire blog post.

If you don’t follow me on Instagram and/or I haven’t send you any pics, during Halloween week, I did daily outfits inspired by different characters or Halloween themes. I loved it so much that this week, I picked back up the same idea for #screamweek, and I did looks and cosplay based on characters from the original Scream. I’ve enjoyed it so much that in a last minute addition to my yearly goals, I’ve decided to do one look a week based on a movie, and outside of Halloween week where I have five really big things planned, I’m only giving myself a budget of $20 per look. This way, I can a) clean out my closet in a fun way and b) revive some old clothing I’ve forgotten about.

Planning these cosplays and looks helps out a lot with my anxiety and depression because it serves as another creative outlet for me. The other night, I had a massive panic attack, and by the time I finished making my corn syrup blood and shooting my Billy Loomis homage, my anxiety was almost entirely gone. I was able to calmly think through the last bit of my problem; I had taken time away to remove myself from the situation and realized I was entirely overthinking things. It’s also been helping me work through another goal I have for the year, which is being kinder to myself.

I’ve been excited all week to plan my next looks and to finish my #screamweek, but yesterday, I got lost in my own head. I was scared people wouldn’t understand why I was doing this or would make rude comments about how I looked/about me taking mirror selfies because I don’t have a real camera. I was worried because there are weird expectations around 30, and people would see me as immature. Everyone has been super supportive, and I’ve been getting nothing but words of encouragement, but I let my wander into some unhealthy spots. I even had a dream last night where I was a side character…in my own dream. (Cue the speech Kate Winslet gets from Eli Wallach in The Holiday about being the leading lady in her own life).

I am very fortunate to have a three-day weekend, and I started getting disappointed in myself because I hadn’t crossed more things off my to-do list for the week. I felt like I was given this time off to get things done, and that’s what I was expected to do. I felt lazy for watching some TV and staying in my pjs. If you’re new here, you should know I’m always honest in my writing, so I’m not going to sugarcoat how yesterday and earlier today were. I didn’t shower and stayed in the same clothes for over 24 hours. I barely slept last night. I napped off and on all morning. I finally just had to check in with myself and remind myself I’m a human being living in a pandemic, and if things bring me joy, I need to cling to them.

So what if I lose Instagram followers for posting pictures of myself? So what if I throughly enjoy word searches and little craft kits? So what if I choose to spend my time absorbing pop culture and writing about it? The expectations around 30 are complete BS. The expectations we have to be productive during our time off are BS. Some many things right now are BS.

So, I’ve decided I’m going to do my weekly horror looks. I’m going to spend hours watching shows and movies to analyze and write about them. I’m going to cook crazy and time-consuming things. I’m going to break-up cleaning my house into days and sections instead of feeling obligated to do everything at once. I’m giving myself permission to do the things that make me happy because, well, they make me happy. They help my anxiety and depression. They make me feel good about myself. They remind me of how far I’ve come over the years.

I understand the looks I’m doing aren’t for everyone, and that’s totally fine! Mute me or unfollow me if it isn’t your jam We put so much worth on numbers like Instagram followers, weight, our age, etc… but what’s the point? If I’m not hurting myself or anyone else and taking pictures of myself dressed as Casey Becker make me feel really confident, what does it matter if someone unfollows me? What does my weight matter? What does my age matter?

I’ve found things over the year that truly make me happy. I wanted to stop spending money on takeout, so I taught myself how to cook. I started watching Bailey Sarian videos and fell in love with her style, so I taught myself how to do makeup. The list goes on and on. I really want to start showcasing all of the talents and skills I’ve taught myself and learned from KP without doubting myself.

Will it still be an uphill battle with my anxiety and depression? Absolutely. There are going to be good days and bad. There are going to be weeks I’ll try to talk myself out of posting pictures of my looks or things I’ve cooked or things I’ve written. That’s the other reason I’m writing this. It’s a reminder to myself that I CAN do this. I AM talented. It’s OKAY to let people know what you enjoy doing.

We’re 30, Flirty, and Thriving, baby.