Nobody puts baillee in the corner

During my Thanksgiving vacation, I watched a TON of ABC Family holiday movies. I also haven’t been dating recently or, more accurately, at all during this entire year. With those two forces combined (and with how my brain operates), I came up with a challenge for myself. I’ve always had a negative attitude about dating apps because a) I’ve always had more luck (luck is a term I use loosely, but I digress) meeting people in person, and b) I can write, but I feel like my essence (spirit? personality?) falls flat on dating apps. In the spirit of Christmas and the countless holiday romantic comedies I marathoned last week, I decided to give OkCupid a fair shake…on a few conditions.

Firstly, in the grand tradition of my beloved cheeseball films, I am going to give OkCupid until midnight on, you guessed it, New Year’s Eve. If I’m not actively talking to or dating someone by then, I’m fully turning my love life over to the universe from here on out.

Secondly, I can’t volunteer my place up for a movie night as a first, second, or third date because I need to get out of my house. I’ve let myself get way too complacent in my little apartment bubble.

Thirdly, if I’m talking to someone who isn’t gross or a serial killer, and they ask me on a date, as long as I feel comfortable, I have to go.

Fourthly, I have to actively swipe at least once a day.

Fifthly, I have a couple of dear friends who are holding me accountable and are allowed to check-in to make sure I’m actually committing to this bit I’ve created. They will also be given my location on said dates, and there is a code in case of an emergency and/or terrible date.

Is this what it is taking for me to get myself back out there? Absolutely. Am I terrified? Yup. Have I already regretted this entire thing multiple times today? You betcha. I keep thinking back to people I’ve liked or dated, and I’ve considered doing a classic Baillee backslide just to avoid having to meet new people; I’m afraid of having to share all of my baggage with someone who doesn’t already know my story, including how I un-ironically own the Bratz movie on DVD.

Look, I know I am so far from perfect that several buildings and trees are blocking the view, but I’ve still been hurt quite a bit, and it’s easier to either be alone or put myself back in a situation that’s familiar but unhealthy and stagnant. I hate that it’s human nature, but hey, here we are. Every time I’ve picked up my phone today to do something self-destructive, I keep thinking back to these reels I saw from Elyse Myers this morning where she talks about a toxic relationship she was in, and one big thing stuck with me: If those people from my past wanted to text me, they would.

If they wanted to do anything, I would hear from them. But I haven’t. We have a million ways to communicate, and they haven’t used a single one. I can’t wait around on people to potentially give me attention one day. That’s why I’m taking the lead of the former teen stars we’ve all come to love and giving myself a silly little timeline during the second most wonderful time of the year (Y’all should know how much I love Halloween). I have no idea if anything is going to happen in the next month. (I’m trying not to be a real Scrooge about the whole ordeal, but I’m still extremely skeptical about online dating). I may be back in the exact same spot I am now. I may be talking to someone. I may have found someone at the post office. Who knows?

I do know, though, that I have to get back out there and stop relying on my past to lead me to my future.

Cue the generic pop song we don’t have to pay the rights for.