Nobody puts baillee in the corner

For weeks, I’ve had “write” on every single to-do list I’ve made. It’s stayed sandwiched between tasks like “laundry” and “clean apartment.” While all of those tasks continue to be crossed out, “write” hasn’t. I’ve started writing some blog posts again, but I felt like I still hadn’t found my voice enough after everything that’s happened the past year to fully jump back into writing on sites and on here regularly.

I’ve been trying to make it more of a chore than a passion, and until a friend gave me some sage advice about not forcing myself to write, I realized I had been doing just that; I’ve been trying to force myself to write in the same way I force myself to do laundry or clean or bathe the dogs. That’s not what writing is for me though. It’s my passion, and it’s my outlet. It’s not a task. It’s not a chore. It’s a part of me. And I think I let myself forget that.

Last year, so many absolutely heinous things happened that I barely wrote at all. I did a 31 day Halloween challenge, but outside of that, I couldn’t find the words. Things were so bad and so brutal, I felt like I completely lost my voice. I didn’t have a voice in a lot of the things going on around me, so I felt like I didn’t have a creative voice either. However, it feels like the tide is finally turning. I feel like I’m finally getting my creative voice back. I feel like I’m finally getting back to some state of normalcy, at least as much as we can in a global pandemic.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have anxiety and depression, and it’s a struggle. There are still things happening in my personal life that are a struggle. There are still things happening in the world that make it a struggle, but I still recognize the many, many privileges I have.

I’m starting to feel my voice again though. The words are coming easier. The thoughts are less scattered. The writing is no longer a chore. I don’t feel like I have to add “write” to every to-do list now. I don’t feel like I have to try to put a pen to paper every night, only to mark out every line and turn on the TV instead. I don’t feel pressured to write. I feel ready to write. I’m feeling that passion again. I feel like the writer in me has sat back down at her desk.

I hope this feeling lasts, but realistically, I know there will be times again that I don’t feel like writing. There will be times where I don’t have things to say, and that’s okay. As I’ve mentioned in the past couple of blog posts I’ve done, I’m really working on being kinder to myself because the world is so hard right now. That also includes being kinder to myself creatively. Not forcing myself to write when I don’t want to but knowing when to push myself to get the words out. There may be times again where I don’t write for a while, and that’s okay, but I also don’t want to let myself have things I want to say but feel like my voice can’t be heard. That my voice isn’t important or that no one wants to hear another blog post from me. That I suck as a writer. That I need to just stop. I don’t want to just lie down anymore because I can’t get past the negative thoughts in my own head. That’s the part I’m working on.

For now, I can promise that I’m trying, and that I’ve been writing nonstop for the past few hours. I can promise myself that I’m working on reminding myself that I have a voice, and it’s a damn shame not to use it. I can promise myself to do better about not losing sight of my passion for writing that’s been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, down to the Barbie journal I had where I used to write pop theme songs for fake shows and used to hate my middle name and wish it was Marie.

I’m finding my voice again, and I’m realizing how important it is to not lose sight of that. So for now, I’m signing off, but don’t expect radio silence.