Nobody puts baillee in the corner

As the last year of my 20s is creeping up on me, I’ve been thinking about genuinely everything. The past. The present. The future. The time I thought I could pull off gauchos. All of it. I still have so much to learn because I’m only 28, but I also feel like I’ve grown so much in the past two years.

Despite the fact I’ve sincerely grown into my own oddball version of a functioning adult (complete with the Netflix children’s show, Waffles and Mochi I’ve started watching a lot before bed), I keep trying to fixate on every single mistake I’ve ever made. Every single stupid thing I’ve ever said. Every single time I’ve liked someone and made a fool out of myself. Every single time I let myself get played. Every single time I’ve done something I knowingly shouldn’t have. Every single cringe-worthy moment has been circling around my head. Just. Every. Single. Thing. But tonight, in a sleep-deprived haze, I’m deciding I don’t want to fixate on every single thing I’ve done.

Instead, I want to start trying to shift the focus to how I’ve grown and on all the things I’ve learned from, even the most shudder-inducing moments. So, my dear reader, I’ve made a list of what I’m learning to be true. I’m not entirely certain how this is going to turn out, but I’m going to put the ol’ fingers to the ol’ keyboard and see what comes out.

1. I’m not for everyone. I swear that’s not as self-deprecating as that sounds. Here’s what I actually mean: none of us will ever be liked by every single person we meet. It’s just not possible. BUT you will be liked by the right people. Your people. You won’t have to play pretend with those you are truly for. I’ve been fortunate enough to find my people. My work people. My friend people. My people people. If I don’t get along with someone, or if someone doesn’t like me, I respect that. It doesn’t necessarily mean either one of us are in the wrong. I’m not for everyone, but I am for the people I’m meant to be for, just like they’re the people meant for me.
2. I’d rather wait for a definite than experience another almost. If you know me at all, you know I can sing every single line of every single song off the hit Bowling For Soup albums Drunk Enough to Dance and A Hangover You Don’t Deserve. The song “Almost” (ignore the breast-es) part has always really resonated with me, even more so lately. I’ve had a whole lot of rejections and heartbreaks in my day. I’ve set myself up for failure more times than I can count. I”ve had so many almosts, and I don’t want to unintentionally get invested in anything less than a definitely. Will I still have to take risks? Absolutely. For the first time in a long time though, I’m, in no way, focusing on my love life. No apps. No texting first or desperately wait by the phone. No wasting effort with no reciprocity. I would sincerely rather hold out for something better. Something I deserve.
3. I’m a human being. Recently, I flared up my old high school back injury something fierce, and after a good conversation, I’m starting to fully come to terms with the fact I’m a mere mortal. There are times my laundry basket will runneth over. There will be Saturdays I lie on the couch all day watching YouTube videos. There will be days I don’t cross a single thing off my to-do list. All of those things are perfectly fine. You should obviously push yourselves, and there are things you obviously have to push through in adulthood, but there’s no reason to make adulthood any gd harder than it already is by being immensely hard on yourself for no good reason.
4. Everyone is not mad at you. I am the absolute worst with thinking people are mad at me simply because of the tone of their text or if there’s a delay in their reply. This one is still a major work in progress, but adulthood is busy and stressful, and most of the time, if someone is mad or upset with you, they’ll tell you. Things happen, and the world is so incredibly hard, especially right now. Don”t make it harder for yourself by constantly assuming the worst. That’s what I’m trying to remind myself.
5. Be fully honest about your needs. Like I’ve already mentioned, there will be things you have to do that you aren’t keen on in adulthood. There will be unavoidable things that aren’t fun or enjoyable in the least. However, there are also things that you have a choice on, and you can choose to change or alter. Since there is so much out of our control, be sure to communicate your needs for the things you can. If you need mental health time, postpone plans with your friends, and be honest. Your people will understand. If you need to step away from your desk for a minute after a difficult interaction, let your boss know. If you need to just call and talk to your mom for hours because it makes you feel better after a long day, tell her. If you need emotional support from your partner, tell them. There are so many things in this world we have to do, so don’t be afraid to be open and honest about your needs where you can.

Again, I’m still learning so much in this crazy world, and it seems as soon as I feel like I have my footing, the entire path changes, but I still feel like I’m exactly where I should be. At the risk of sounding like the verse of an Avril Lavigne song from her iconic Let Go era, I’ll leave you all with this: try your best, be open and honest, and don’t forget your worth. I can’t give you a ton of advice about adulthood because I still feel like I have so much to learn, but this are just the little things I’ve picked up during my rise into adulthood. But don’t worry, I still have Let Go on CD in my bedroom and know the lyrics to all those Bowling For Soup songs.