Nobody puts baillee in the corner

I know it’s been so long since I’ve written, and I truly apologize. Fortunately, I’m finally starting to replant my creative roots, so I’m actually working on things again, and I should be getting stuff up soon, but I digress. 

I’m not sure if it’s because we’re at the year marker of the pandemic, or if it’s the state of the world, or my personal life, or even just hurting my back, but lately, I’ve been so, so overtly anxious to the point that I’ve been apologizing for all but existing. 

My anxiety takes one phone call with a mad customer and translates it into me being bad at my job. My brain translates a friend not immediately texting me back from them being busy or having their own things to deal with into them being sick of me or me being an annoyance. My depression takes one bad thing and spirals into every direction of every possible negative outcome. 

It doesn’t matter that I have the best support system on this entire planet because my mind won’t let anything they say fully process. It also turns into me apologizing for totally normal things like having to see a (virtual) doctor when I’m sick or feeling like I’m talking too much on the phone with a friend because I’m so excited to be able to have a good conversation. 

I feel the need to apologize for apologizing. I feel the need to apologize for having feelings. I feel the need to apologize for being a human being. And it’s so hard to break that mentality.

It’s so hard to tell yourself it’s okay to get giddy on the phone or Zoom. It’s okay to have feelings. It’s okay to have to take a sick day when you can’t move. It’s okay to have to reach out for support. It’s okay to be vulnerable. 

I keep telling myself those things over and over again, and just when I feel like it’s getting a little bit better, I veer off course. One little thing will happen, and I’m back to square one. The important thing though is I keep trying. 

I’ve made a list of things to try when I’m feeling down (I even matted it on scrapbook paper and attached it to my easel). I’ve started trying to journal and pinpoint exactly when or why I feel like I’m annoying people. I’ve been reaching out more to everyone I’m honored to have in my life to make sure they know I’m here. I try. And right now, I feel like that’s all we can do. 

Try to be a little kinder. Try to be a little more patient. Try to be a little more understanding. Try to not be as hard on ourselves (the entire reason I inflamed my back is because I felt like I had to be super productive during the PTO I was given specially for R&R). Just try. 

And that’s what I’m going to keep doing.