Nobody puts baillee in the corner

A little over a year ago, I had an almost suicide attempt. I don’t say that to raise any concern but to give context to the rest of this blog post. 

A variety of things took me to my low point, including money, personal problems, and some downright mean people whispering in my ear. I took some things majorly to heart that were untrue, but I had heard them so much, a part of me had started to believe them. 

I dusted myself off, picked myself off the ground, and thanks to the best support system a girl could have, I made it through; however, I didn’t realize until recently how much it truly affected me. 

I thought I was completely over it. I thought I had completely bypassed the entire self-doubt period. I thought I had already moved on from it. It turns out that’s not entirely true.

A friend made a loving, passive comment about how I don’t put myself out there anymore, and I realized they were right. I don’t date. I don’t trust people as much as I used to. I only open up to my inner circle, and honestly, I still hold back a lot of the time. 

I’m scared because I was told I was crazy and had too much baggage, and it looks like that has unknowingly stuck with me. A part of me is genuinely scared my friends will bail because they can’t hang with my depression and all of the things I carry with me. I haven’t really dated or made any moves with anyone because I am frightened by the idea they only want the good parts of me and will leave when they see the vulnerable side. I’m afraid my mom worries too much about me, and I don’t want to make her worry more when she already has so much on her plate. 

I’m scared. That’s the bottom line. A few people left my life when the going got tough, and it really hit me hard. I want to open up. I want to let people in. I want to be the bold girl I was that made moves. I’m working on it, but right now, it’s very much a work in progress. 

I’m still trying to pick some pieces back up  I didn’t even realize were missing, or more likely, didn’t want to realize were missing. 

I wanted to fully open up about everything last night, and I couldn’t find a way to say the words or write them out, and honestly, it took me almost a full day and a long, hard cry to get everything out. 

I’m so glad to have the support system I do, and to those who couldn’t hang, thank you for teaching me an important lesson: the really good ones will ALWAYS be there. They’ll read your blog posts and support your art and love you unconditionally. They won’t get jealous or be petty or take advantage. 

My mom is always going to worry about me, regardless of whether or not I tell her things, and it’s better to get it all out, especially with someone who knows you better than anyone. 

My eventual partner won’t leave me because I’m upset or under a lot of stress or have a lot of baggage; that’s the whole point of them being a partner. They are there to be your backup and lift you up from your absolute rock bottom. They provide support when you can’t hold yourself up. They’re the one person you can turn to at the end of the day. And you can’t let the past dictate your entire romantic future. 

I may be bruised and broken, but I’m fighting tooth and nail to get over my absolute fear of being too much for anyone to handle. 

Because it’s going to take a lot more than words to bring me down.