Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Recently, I’ve been thinking about a lot of “what ifs” and “could’ve beens,” including those in my love life. I’ll spare you the gritty details, my dear readers, at risk of sounding like a Halsey or Ariana Grande song. I digress. 

I’ve been going through the heavy hitters of my past. The ones who would be featured in the flashback montage of my romantic comedy. The ones who hurt. The ones who walked away. The ones who I walked away from. The ones who I wrote blog posts about (spoiler: most of them). 

I have had my heart broken more times than I can count, some more catastrophic than others, but I learned something from each. (Okay, we’ve gone more Ariana than Halsey). I’ve learned it’s better to always trust your gut. That red flags aren’t just lawn decorations. That the universe has a funny way of getting you back on track. That sometimes it’s not your fault. That sometimes it is. Most importantly, the word “sometimes” has become a common thread. 

Sometimes, things are almost perfect, but sometimes, that’s exactly what things are: almosts. They were almost the one. They were almost worth it. They were almost a name thrown around at girls’ night. They were almost the one to come home to.  They were almosts. Period. 

They weren’t right; they were just “right nows.” They were good for the time. They contributed something to my personal growth. They were learning opportunities, and that’s a weird thing to realize. My perfect then is absolutely not my perfect now. My perfect now isn’t the lead singer of Bowling for Soup or someone from my middle school youth group or a friend from high school or a peer from one of my college lectures or even a coworker. 

My perfect is what I’m looking for. I’m looking for someone who takes “I’m exhausted from work” at face value and offers to give me a foot rub or grab me takeout. Someone who is supportive on the days I can barely get out of bed, or even better, who can see through the smiles on the days when my brain can’t control itself. I want someone who is kind and loyal and understands I potentially love them more than Pudge, but it will be a close race.

I want someone to be gross with me on the days I don’t shower and want to only eat pizza. A person who will go on car rides with me for no reason. One who understands I sometimes go and write at coffee shops for hours but is also willing to pick me up when I’m ready. Someone who wants kids. Someone I look forward to going to sleep with and waking up to the next day. Someone who knows I have to write to express myself, and I will sometimes write about them. Someone who respects my standup and sketches and horror movies and fascination with serial killers and 2AM craft projects. 

That’s my perfect now. Do I have any idea who this person is? No. They might be in my life hiding in a friendship. They may be hundreds of miles away. They may be reading this blog post. I don’t know. All I know is I won’t settle for any “almosts” or “right nows.” I don’t want to share my bed with someone who is gone when I open my eyes. I won’t go on any empty dates or meaningless quests. 

I’ll simply wait for my always perfect (even if I want to strangle them sometimes) not my almost perfect. Because I won’t settle for anything less. (Plus, I’m more P!nk than Ariana, and she taught me better).