Nobody puts baillee in the corner

As many of your know, I’ve been off the grid the past few days. I had to limit my social media use and let some texts go without a response. You see, I had been slipping into some unhealthy habits. I had been drinking a lot. I had been fixating on things from the past that have no reason being revisited. I was lashing out at people who love me and were just trying to help. And I’ve had anxiety and depression long enough to know nothing good was about to happen. 

I’ve started becoming highly aware of my personal triggers and self-destructive behaviors. I know myself well enough to know when I need to take a break, so I took a step back to breathe. That’s why I had to take a step back from social media. That’s why I had to take a step back from texting. 

I took time to draw and write and even try my first escape room (and I get the hype). It gave me time to try to find the footing for my next step. I feel like I’ve reached an impasse, so I’ve been fixating on the present, which leads me to start fixating on the past. This leads me to start thinking about every awful situation from the past five years, which leads me to thinking about what I could have done better in these situations, which leads me to blaming myself, which, well, you get the point; once I start spiraling, I spiral hard.

I could feel myself beginning to unravel, so I had to take some time to mend the frayed edges. I knew I needed to disconnect for a spell before I disassociated for longer. I’ve gotten better with noticing when everything starts to manifest, but it doesn’t mean I’m healed. 

Have I found the perfect remedy for my depression and anxiety? Absolutely not. Did two days off the grid entirely cure all of my mental illness? Nope. Am I sure this won’t happen again? Hell no. 

All I know is I’m trying. I’m working to be better. I want to think back on the past and learn from it instead of looking back and giving myself unparalleled anxiety. I yearn for being able to not constantly fret about if I did something to make someone upset with me. I need to be able to have days where I can feel some semblance of normalcy. 

The good news is the good days are getting closer together. There are longer stretches where I feel fine. There are times I feel good and loved and on top of the world. Those are the days I live for. Those are the days that remind me I’m getting better. Those are the days that help me get through days like this past weekend. 

My mental health may be a work in progress, but it’s being drawn on a beautiful canvas, and the final piece is going to be stunning.