Nobody puts baillee in the corner

It’s funny how one decision can alter an entire chunk of your life. With one move, things can be [Bander]snatched away. Over the past few months, I’ve been faced with several major decisions. Some have been as simple as whether or not to include a Black Mirror reference this early in the blog post; others, well, not so much. (I can honestly say I have not had to chose whether to chop up or bury the body though).

The majority of my decisions have involved letting go. I’ve had to let a lot of people and places go, and quite frankly, several of them have broken my heart nine ways to Sunday. Some of them might have seemed like I had a decision, but I truly didn’t; the only decision I had was to  walk away when the smoke cleared. The tricky part about the decisions you get to make, though, is you don’t know if you made the right ones until it’s too late to go back.

You can’t see the ramifications of your actions until you’ve chosen your path. Sure, you may have a gut feeling. You may catch a glimpse of what’s to come. Ultimately, you don’t know the impact of your decision on your future until you’ve locked in your choice. To me, that’s the truly horrifying part.

You can research the variables all day long. You can create charts and graphs well into the night. You can debate the pros and cons with anyone and everyone who will listen. When the time comes, you have no real idea what consequences will be waiting for you in the morning.

Recently, I’ve started reaping some of the repercussions of my decisions, and honestly, they’ve been less than fruitful. The worst part is these are rooted in the decisions I didn’t really have a choice in. Some of these decisions continue to hurt me even after it hurt me so much to let go;  it’s quickly becoming a vicious cycle of pain and depression.

But I have to start trying to break out. I have to dust myself off and move on because I’ve been knocked to the ground one too many times, and I’m sick and tired of being covered in dirt and bruises.

I have to make peace with all of these decisions, whether or not they were made voluntarily. I have to let go of those who made their decision to leave, and I have to let go of those who I made the decision to leave. Some of these effects have already come to pass; others are yet to come. All I know is I am the one who has to sleep with all of the choice that have been made, and right now, I’m tossing and turning.

Did I make some of these decisions myself? Yes. Were they always the right ones? I have no idea. The one thing I have confidently decided is I have to stop dwelling. I have to stop trying swallowing down all of my choices with booze and denial. I have to stop focusing my “could have beens,” and I am thoroughly done letting my “what ifs” consume me.

And THAT is the one and only decision I know for sure is the right one.