Nobody puts baillee in the corner

I was trying to think of a clever opener for this post. I wanted it to be witty and smart, but everything felt contrived, so I decided to jump right in. Care for a dip?

To utter the understatement of the century, this year has been hard. Don’t get me wrong; there have been some awesome things. I got to meet Joe Bob Briggs. We got a new Halloween. I’ve started doing stand up (which I thought was more unlikely than the first two to ever happen). There has been a lot of good, but there’s also been a lot of bad.

I have to get surgery soon. My dad took a nosedive, and we had an extremely close call that’s devolved into a waiting game. I’ve had some awful mental health stuff. It’s been a real roller coaster except I don’t get to just walk away at the end of the ride, and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. After the past few months, I’ve lost my faith in a lot of things, but they aren’t worth the pen and paper. Plus, this post isn’t about all of the terrible things I’m dealing with; it’s about the good. This is about the bits of light trickling in through the darkness. This is about people, more importantly, those who care.

Thank you to the people who bought or made me dinner when I couldn’t afford it. Thank you to the people who came to the ER, offered to come to the ER, and immediately reached out when I told them I was in the ER. Thank you to the people who took me to the hospital and to the follow up appointments. Thank you to the people who still check-in and show up with coffee, and quite frankly, who show up at all. Thank you to the people I haven’t spoken to in years who stepped up and continue to remind me what compassion is. Thank you to those who have contributed to my surgery fund. Thank you to those who bought me concert, movie, and podcast tickets.  Thank you to those who just came over to watch a movie. Thank you to those who forced me out of my apartment when necessary. Thank you to those who were willing to watch Pudge because you know how much he means to me. Simply, thank you.

On the flip side, I would like to address the other group of people in my life. Thank you to the people who never bothered to show up because you made those who did shine, baby. Thank you to the one person I want to be here who isn’t for knocking me down, so I could restore my self-worth and rebuild its foundation even stronger than ever. Thank you to the self-absorbed for showing me I’m not like you. Thank you for helping those encouraging voices stand out among your vicious, jumbled whispers. Thank you for the hate because it made the love stronger. Thank you for making me cherish the honorable, much to your chagrin.

Despite (and to spite) all of the negativity, I want to end on a positive note. I may not believe in a lot, but I believe in some people. I believe some people are good and kind and genuinely care. I think there is some hope in a sea of darkness. I believe I have to believe it. I’ve seen the worst in people, and I’ve seen the best in people. (I’ve also read A Tale of Two Cities, so you know I have the credentials to make these kinds of statements). Right now, I can only focus on the good. I’ve been consumed by the bad before, and it took a hell of a lot of fighting to get out, so for now, I choose to only believe in the good while being cautious of the bad. Right now, that’s all I can do.