Nobody puts baillee in the corner

03/06/2018

That’s the day I tried to self-harm for the first time in eight years, and I was able to stop myself. I don’t say this to cause any alarm or worry; I say this simply because it’s true. (And yes, I’m seeking out a therapist and everything, so don’t get caught up in those details)

My mental health has been really bad for weeks (I had to call in the reinforcements from Arkansas), and things got really bad on Tuesday. I’m not going to bore everyone with the details (because I am Baillee MaCloud Perkins and not Sylvia Plath), but it ended with me wanting to self-harm and battling through it, thanks to the help of my mom and one of my sisters from another mister.

I’m sharing all of this because I know I’m not alone. I know I’m not the only one who sometimes has to exert all of her physical energy just to get out of bed and shower. I’m not the only one who feels totally alone in a room full of people that love her. I know how hard this is.

I know how hard it is to explain to other people because a) mental illness affects everyone differently, b) it’s stigmatized, and c) yes, you’ve watched Thirteen Reasons Why, and no, you don’t want to talk about whether or not it’s an accurate or glamorized representation of mental illness.

It’s hard to explain why you can’t go about because your anxiety is crippling. It’s hard to explain why you’ve slept for 16 hours out of the day because you want to tune the world out. It’s even hard to explain why you’ve listened to “Nothing Compares 2 U” eight times on repeat.

It’s just hard. Period. That’s why, dear readers, I’m making a pledge to you: I’m here for you. I will never tell you that your feelings aren’t valid. I will never tell you that you’re doing this for attention. I will never tell you that you need to just get over it. (I will also never tell you that Degrassi: The Next Generation ever did a good portrayal of mental illness).

I will tell you that you are allowed to take breaks from the world. I will tell you it is okay to have to bow out of social events, and more importantly, you are allowed to tell people why you are bowing out of social events if you are comfortable, but you are also allowed to keep your reasons why private. I will tell you you are amazing and beautiful and loved, and it’s okay if you can’t feel those things right now but remember they’re always there.

Mental health can be a real fickle mistress. Some days, it’s total smooth sailing, and other days, it’s like you’re stuck on the Jurassic Park ride where the dinosaurs continually spit water on you, but the water spewing on you is full of the fake, terrible scenarios you’ve concocted in your head, and you’re stuck sitting next to the girl who teased you in middle school.

The trickiest thing though is mental illness manifests different for everyone. For me personally, sometimes my panic attacks consist of me being silent and shutting the world out, and other times, I’m hyperventilating and crying. That doesn’t necessarily mean one panic attack was worse than the other (honestly, I scare myself more when I just grow silent and zone out). The same goes for someone’s thoughts having more validity than another’s because everyone has different triggers and emotions.

One thing we have in common is we aren’t alone, and it’s more than socially acceptable to openly talk about mental illness; it doesn’t make you weak or needy or crazy. It makes you a real human being, and it’s what separates us from the robots and the Kardashian/Jenners.

The people that truly care about you are going to understand, and they’re the ones that will check on you, come over when you need them, and they’ll get your dark humor about the situation (which is my speciality in any situation, including my own grandfather’s funeral).

You have to find the weird that’ll accept you, so rest assured, if you need a support system, I’m all the weird you need. Plus, I’m a blogger, so you know I clearly have all of the qualifications to help.