Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Age? 39

Who was your first crush? I was nine. She was in my class, something about her really started up the old motor, I couldn’t contain myself- she walked past my desk and i shot up, stood on my chair and sang the birds & bees song with my arms spread out like an opera singer. The class busted up laughing, she hid in embarrassment and i slunk down in my seat never to speak to her again.

Who was your first kiss? I think i was around four or five, she was upwards of seven or eight- her attempts to seduce me were never ending but i was aloof and indifferent until she finally got one in. Closed mouths… I remember it well, we were by a fence in the backyard. Early teens for my first french kiss- 14, 15. She was a real temptress, quite forward, surprised we didn’t go all the way there under the blanket on the Sunday morning playground. She was too anxious, weirded me out, i could sense her claws being sharpened- she tried to rope me in but i made the great escape.

What are your views on Tinder and other dating apps? I suppose if you want to just get laid it’s an incredibly innovative tool for that. Looking for love? Seems forced, an example of our integration into cyber dependence. That’s cool, though, it ups the game- who needs an old fashioned unexpected meet? I still like to pretend we don’t have computers.

What was the best date you ever had? I don’t think i’ve ever really put too much stock into dating. The entire courtship process just seems so traditional and lame. People hang out, it just happens. Why does dinner and a movie, getting to know each other however it happens, need to even be a process anyway? The wheels turn no matter what, why try to spin them faster?

What was the worst date you ever had? I know it seems strange, but I can’t remember any specific dates… ok, well, falling into the trap of going along with silly conventions has occurred, and i do faintly recall sitting at a table with a girlfriend in a restaurant, thinking we should appear as though we’re enjoying ourselves but not having much to say, the waiter obviously waiting to get it over with… that sucked. I already prescribe to the custom of eating in the first place, seems silly to wrap it up in some hallmark mythos nonsense.

What goes through your head when you first realize you have feelings for someone? I think, ‘oh great, am i going to be able to ignore this or is it going to consume me?’

What is the first trait that attracts you to someone? I’m attracted to the general essence of a person -or maybe the eyes.

How would you describe heart break? Disappointment, loss, emptiness & despair that is inescapable and kind of fun, in an endurance test kind of way. Likened to death. Drinking helps.

What is your break up routine? Remain distant yet direct, look for stuff i might want, books, movies, etc…

Have you ever been in love? Yeah, silly human race and their cycles of shit. You gotta be some stoic mutha to live your days impervious to that black magic- it’s everywhere.

Do you think it’s possible to love two people at the same time? Yes, i hold no restrictions on love, it has a mind of it’s own.

What does love mean to you? A connection. The fuel and destruction of much. Sadness, birth, life, death. A disease, a gift. Recognizing the power lends way to grand personal growth. And it means nothing at the same time, knowing everything dies and nothing will ever last. Rather comforting.

What advice do you have for someone who has never been in love? Don’t give so much without return, no one benefits when the balance is off. If you feel suffocated then get out, it probably won’t get any better- and have sense to realize if you’re suffocating them. People act nice and have a fear of conflict. Try not to get caught up in the stifling traditions we had pumped into our brains at an early age and live for yourself.