Nobody puts baillee in the corner

The tricky thing about closure is you can never predict whether or not you’ll actually ever get it. There’s no guarantee of everything being wrapped up in a nice and neat little package, and often times, things are left incomplete (try getting that Backstreet Boys club banger out of your head now), so you have no choice but to make your own closure. That’s why I’ve chosen to write this very blog post. 

Right now, things suck. Will they get better? Definitely. In this moment though, they’re rough,  and that’s okay. I’m going to keep listening to copious amounts of Fiona Apple until they look up, and there’s nothing wrong with using that as a coping mechanism (alongside St. John’s Wart for my anxiety, obvs). However, I am going to write about it to give myself my own closure. 

I don’t regret what I said, what I did, or how I feel. The only thing I regret is losing a friend. I like to pride myself on having the most amazing friends in the entire universe (if I may out Leslie Knope myself). They bring me coffee when I’m sick, pick me up from work when I’m weary, buy me tacos when I’m poor, still call me cute when I stick random things up my nose, and so much more. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you being among them, but that’s just it: They’re still here, and you aren’t. But it’s okay. If this is how things turn out, I can accept them, just not immediately. (Plus, it’s really hard to find someone who hates Logan Huntzberger as much as I do). 

I miss having you in my life, and I had fun with you. Despite missing all the fun times,  I still don’t regret what I did. In fact, I’m proud of myself for finally finding the words to say. I’m sorry if I scared you, but I’m not sorry for anything beyond. I always over apologize for things, agonize over the what ifs, and bottle up my emotions until I explode. For once, I’m choosing to not apologize, agonize, or internalize. I’m choosing to move on. 

I may not have chosen how things ended, but I will choose how this next part begins. I only have one last thing to say: goodbye.