Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Remember when I wrote a blog post less than 24 hours ago, boldly proclaiming my decision and how I said I learned something about myself, and it wasn’t about a person but rather the journey of self-discovery?

It was all totally true. But it also wasn’t. You see, my decision to chalk this up as another life lesson (on a board I imagine to be a lot like Sabrina’s from the season of Sabrina the Teenage Witch where she was trying to figure out the family secret) felt great for all of about one hour. Ever since then, my face has been something akin to Dustin Hoffman’s at the end of The Graduate. I’ve been second guessing all of my life choices from the past few weeks (including my hellish decision to go to the grocery store at 5PM on a Monday afternoon, but you can definitely chalk that up to Catholic guilt and self-punishment). 

Initially, I thought I was more confused than the time I watched Primer, but after some careful contemplation (aka listening to “Linger” by The Cranberries approximately 800 times and begging my mom to make my life choices and/or participate in a Freaky Friday esque life swap with me), I realized I knew what I wanted all along. Here’s my official, concrete, unchanging statement: 

I have a lot to work on, and I’ll fess up to that. (Cue Foo Fighters here.) I get more jealous than I should. I can be more spiteful than Tinkerbell towards Wendy (and I’m too pure to think of a more bitter relationship). I can be an ice queen when you cross me, and I have proved that more than once recently, and I’m sorry. I’m stubborn and set in my ways. I’m a moody and tempermental writer. I have to fight shutting down emotionally when things get tough. I often have the humor, flirting skills, and backwards hat swag of a 12-year-old boy. (I almost made some sort of penis joke just to get the point across.) Basically, I’m not perfect, and I won’t pretend to be. However, I’m willing to work on it, which leads me to my stipulations. 

I need to see some real effort and real cooperation here. There is an expiration date on this offer. It may not be quantifiable at the moment, but it’s definitely there. I won’t wait forever. (I also won’t wait for you on a baseball diamond because it’ll muddy up my combat boots.) This is my Josie Geller article. This is my Kat Stratford sonnet. This is my Baillee MaCloud Perkins blog post. 

Play ball.