Nobody puts baillee in the corner

I’ve always been tickled pink by those “to my future husband/wife” letters. I think the sentiment behind them is very sweet, but at times, some of them can come across as very melodramatic. After reading a couple of the ones trickling through my Facebook feed, I felt inspired.

(Fair warning, if you don’t want to read a couple mouse scrolls of satire, stop here).

To My Future Husband,

Wow. I can’t believe we’re not only getting married, but I’m also pregnant with your child. I guess they don’t make condoms like they used to. I promise one of my drafts will be picked up soon so that we don’t have to keep living off of the fortunate your family has made with their line of commemorative Founder Father rubber ducks.

I love how patient you are with me. I was no where near as fortunate with my other husbands. (God rest their souls). I’m also glad your wife was so understanding about the divorce, Money can’t be happiness, so I am sure she’s absolutely giddy at the thought of her humble settlement. I really do think already knowing each other from all of the times she came to see you at the office helped to ease some of the awkward tension.

I’m so glad we’ve made it this far. Here’s hoping the fourth time really is the charm.

Love,

Your Future Wife

P.S. Don’t bother taking the car in for a brake check. I already took care of it last week.