Nobody puts baillee in the corner

My grandfather has only been gone 36 hours, but it already feels like a lifetime. As you may have seen or heard, I barely missed him dying. I was on the train ride here when he passed. I’ve been overcome with guilt because I had a gut feeling a few days ago, but I wasn’t sure this was actually it.

He was committed to the hospital for pneumonia because he had Parkinson’s, so it hit him very hard. In the beginning, he was conscious, and it seemed he would be okay. Then, he began rapidly declining. He was put on a ventilator, and he was in a lot of pain. After being unconscious for several days, he was gone.

I was on the train ride home when my father texted me. I was numb. I went straight to the funeral home with my sister, mother, and grandmother. It was a giant blur of floral sprays and casket designs. The one thing I’ll never be able to forget is my grandmother clutching me and asking me, “What has my darling done?” Her husband of 62 years was no longer a physical entity but an essence, an idea, a fleeting memory. My mother no longer had a father. The word “daddy” had lost all meaning. My sister and I no longer have any grandfathers. The world no longer has a Bobby E. Gant.

Last night, I slept in his sweatshirt while his worn trucker hat and pocket knife rested comfortable in my bag. I slept for 11 hours straight, hoping to awake from some deranged fever dream. I kept wishing for the same as I got ready for the viewing we were late to because my grandmother is perpetually tardy. I know my grandfather chuckled about it because he always said she’d be late to her own funeral, let alone his.

When I saw him, I broke. It was real. My grandfather, the one who taught me how to whistle, pulled out multiple of my baby teeth, and listened to cassette tapes of The Shadow on his Walkman as an empty shell. That’s when the guilt truly set in. The worst part is I know my grandfather would have understood, so his kindness makes it even harder. After thinking about for two hours, and relying yet again on my greatest release, I decided to speak at my grandfather’s funeral tomorrow. I have to tell him everything I would have said yesterday. While I still have the strength to write about him, I want to share what I plan on saying tomorrow through all of you. Here goes:

When I was a kid, I grew up in a time of superheroes. I was lucky enough for my superhero to be real. My grandfather survived The Great Depression, Korea, and everything in between. His love was unconditional, and he never failed to leave you with a smile on your face. He taught my sister and I to love animals, love God, and most importantly, to love ourselves. He even taught us to pick our future husbands based on how they treated animals because those who were kind to animals would make a fantastic partner. He never forgot a special occasion or milestone, and when his memory became muddled, he always remembered I was going to college, and he repeatedly told me how proud he was of me. One of the fondest memories I have of my grandfather is watching Wheel of Fortune together because he would tell me I was so smart I could Pat Sajak a run for his money, and I knew he truly believed it. His belief in me was unwavering as was his compassion. He could make you feel more special than anyone else. I’m sure everyone here can attest to that fact. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to say goodbye, but I know the Lord took care of you. Rest in peace, PaPa. I hope there is plenty of banana pudding in heaven.