Nobody puts baillee in the corner

I’ve reached a point of sheer romantic frustration. (Not to be confused with sexual frustration). This doesn’t mean I’m ready to settle down (just yet) and find my Mr. or Mrs. Baillee MaCloud Perkins, but it does mean I’m ready to, dare I say, get myself one of them “adult relationships.” I’m ready to have a lifetime adventure buddy. I’m ready for all those cutesy montages where we paint the apartment and wind up splashing paint on each other. I’m ready to fulfill all of those other goofy cliches I spent my formative years openly hating and secretively loving, but you know, with my own little Baillee MaCloud Perkins spin on them.

As I get ready to enter my mid-20s (parish the thought), I feel like it’s finally time to actually date someone. The problem is, my love life has plateaued, and by plateaued, I mean there is total radio silence, and drunk texting your go-to asking if they want to come over and make out has lost its allure. I’ve been looking at all of my dear friends, and the majority of them are in these adult relationships where they’re living together, splitting utilities, and saying cute and fun things like, “You never told me to do that.” It’s enough to make a girl want someone to call her babe.

What can I say? I’m going soft in my old age. In addition, I’ve grown fickle in my old age, so I don’t want to deal with dating apps. Like Cher Horowitz, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don’t get Tinder and all those other things. I’ve gotten stalked and my earlobe suckled. As someone who grew up watching Heath Ledger woo Julia Styles, Reese Witherspoon thaw Ryan Phillippe, and Neve Campbell murder Skeet Ulrich, I yearn to meet someone organically.

I know things won’t be all sunshine and rainbows. Relationships are hard. I’ve witnessed them at their very best and their very worst. The times you want to kiss and kill your home girl or dude man will often equal, but I, Baillee MaCloud Perkins*, have never run away from a challenge. The weird thing is I feel like I’ve never been so ready for a relationship, but there are currently tumbleweeds rolling through the streets of my love life. Quite frankly, it’s a weird juxtaposition, but there’s a reason they call it the calm before the storm, right?

Stay tuned.

*Congrats, you’ve officially summoned me.