Nobody puts baillee in the corner

If you didn’t read my blog post “Bi the Way” or someone didn’t link it to you with the caption “OMG” or “Told you,” I’m bisexual. I’m finally ready to be 100% open about it. The reason you may not know is because I don’t talk about it often. Why, you may ask? Well, I’m religious.(Quick sidebar: I have never been condemned or criticized by anyone in the Catholic church. Quite frankly, it’s been the opposite, but I wasn’t always Catholic). I was raised Southern Baptist until high school, when I began attending a great Methodist church and youth group that I have nothing but fond memories of and kind words for. I had amazing experiences at summer camps and retreats, and I learned a lot about my spiritual and religious selves. Unfortunately, the church experiences during my formative years were rocky at best, and I almost gave up on religion altogether, mostly due to the way Hell was used as nothing more than a fear tactic. It’s even harder to escape when you’re related to a pastor.

The thing about having a non-practicing Southern Baptist pastor for a grandfather is not having an easy out from the fire and brimstone portrayal of religion I’ve been describing. More often than not, you find yourself immersed in sin-centric ideologies. (Think Old Testament mixed with Dante’s Inferno and a dash John Lithgow from Footloose for good measure).  Now, before I go any further, I want to let everyone know I’m not here to talk smack about the Baptists. I know some fantastic people affiliated with the Baptist church. I’m also not here to generalize based off of my personal experiences. This isn’t a story about them. It’s a story about me.

Anyway, the idea of fire and brimstone and spending an eternity with the devil himself kind of scars with you as a kid. (Mind you, I’ve been the queen of horror movies since utero, so for something to thoroughly stick with me, so you know the imagery had to be horrifying). I’ve  always “admired” women, leading to probably one of my favorite gifts to date: a poster of Megan Fox’s Rolling Stone cover. I brushed them off as so-called girl crushes, which was fine, until I realized my girl crushes equalled my guy crushes. I continued to deny everything until finally, a little over a year ago, I came out.

At first, I felt confident about it. I confided it all of my best friends before I posted a word. I spent two days crying and thanking God because everyone was more than supportive. My best friend even thoroughly Facebook stalked my first “actual” girl crush (before I realized they’re just crushes)  and gave her approval. Everything was fine and dandy for a while…until those thoughts of fire and brimstone came creeping back in. I was honestly scared being bisexual damned me. I felt like liking girls and guys was an after death sentence. I was so terrified of going to Hell or losing God’s blessing that I told myself it was a phase. It was equivalent to being scene in middle school. I didn’t actually want to be with dudes and bettys; I simply appreciated the female form. It was the equivalent of those Ferris Bueller kids admiring art. I definitely didn’t want to kiss them. (I definitely wanted to kiss them).

I was snuggly nestled in between a rock and a hard place, and for a while, I stayed there. I couldn’t understand why I wanted to keep this one part of me hidden when I was so open about everything other thing in my life, down to my distain of Interstellar.

Thanks to some (no doubt) divine intervention, I recently had an amazing and enlightening conversation with a friend about sexuality and spirituality. It was exactly what I needed. I even cried paraphrasing a Louis C.K. story from his Maron interview. (You laugh now, but try to keep a dry eye listening to the story about what happened when his daughter was born). Believe what you will, but it was the sign I so desperately prayed for.

I’m okay with being open about my sexuality now. I don’t think anyone is condemned for a loving relationship. I don’t see how something as pure and beautiful as love can be seen as a sin. Religion is based off the love of God, right?

I believe in God, but I also believe I can be in a serious relationship with someone of either gender. I like to think of myself as a monogamous individual, and my next relationship will reflect it. This doesn’t mean I’m giving up on Catholicism either. I firmly believe both of these things can coexist. I see God as an accepting and compassionate (albeit sometimes a little stern) individual, like Mr. Feeny if you will, and I definitely can’t see Mr. Feeny sending anyone to kick it forever with Hades just because of who they chose as their significant other. I may not have total, concrete proof, but I don’t feel any negative energy or ill will toward me, so I’m done living in fear. I’m going to be with who I want to be with, and, in the immortal words of Mr. Feeny, do good.