Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Age: 18

Who was your first crush?

My first crush was this girl I was friends with at this weird, new-age, alternative education “school” on rural Texan farmland I went to when I was like four or five. I don’t remember her name. I just remember I had a thing for her. Shortly after this crush developed, her and this kid Danny ridiculed me and my dreams were subsequently crushed. She moved away shortly afterward though, so I coped with it pretty quickly. Then again, I was like five and there wasn’t all that much to lament.

Who was your first kiss?

Her name was Emily. We met each other on the first day of seventh grade (my first year of public schooling), first period. I thought it was fate. We kissed in the back of her uncle’s car on Halloween. Mind you, her uncle was still in the car driving us at this time. We weren’t that smooth. It was pretty uncomfortable.

What are your views on Tinder and other dating apps?

If it works for you, it works for you! I went through a serious Tinder phase, but little came of it. I found a lot of profiles of dogs, sea urchins, and memes, but few actual human beings who I believed I was immediately compatible with. My favorite Tinder experiences were finding someone whose profile read something like: “Hi. My name’s _____ and I like Skyrim and Pokemon!!!! Hmu if ur a chill gamer. My Nintendo ID is ______. Also, I see future car crashes in my newborn son’s eyes!” and getting a message from someone I matched with and had never spoken to prior saying, “Can you spot me $200?”

What was the best date you ever had?

Same as worst, only because it was this hilariously surreal and uncomfortable shared experience.

What was the worst date you ever had?

My partner and I went out to dinner at the Kerbey Lane Cafe Westlake location shortly after she declined an invitation to hang out with an acquaintance because “her cousin was in town.” Her cousin was in town, but we weren’t hanging out with him. We were seated at a booth adjoining the booth her acquaintance was already sitting at. We sat down and my partner immediately looked at me with a visage that could only convey sheer panic. Her acquaintance awkwardly interjected with a visibly downtrodden “Hi … ” before we proceeded to continue making faces of incredulity to each other for the next 45 minutes. We eventually settled down and planned to hold it together until we’d eaten, received the check, and made all necessary arrangements to “comfortably” shuffle out the door. As our waitress picked up my partner’s panda design adorned debit card, she said, “Is that a panda on your card???? Oh my gawwwwwwwd. I love pandas. I really just love any animal that’s black and white. I’ve never had a brown dog. What is that? I like killer whales too! Not that I’d ever pet one or anything, ya know.” At this point, we were both practically hyperventilating and more than ready to hightail it out of there. The next time we went to Kerbey Lane, I had an allergic reaction. I’m pretty sure that place is cursed.
What goes through your head when you first realize you have feelings for someone?

I’m like, “Wow. This is inconvenient.”

What is the first trait that attracts you to someone?

Sense of humor. If I don’t date someone as sarcastic as I am, I feel like an asshole.

How would you describe heart break?

Rill bad, especially when you build up some unhealthy idealization of someone in your head and you’re like, “Oh shit. I really didn’t think this through. We haven’t even held hands. I guess I need to find something else to do for the rest of my life.”

What is your break up routine? 

Cry. Write really lame songs about it. Hibernate. Cry.

Have you ever been in love?

Yes. I’m so in love currently and it’s really freaky. Never thought I’d be here, but I’m so glad I am.

Do you think it’s possible to love two people at the same time?

Certainly! I don’t think I could, but I know there are people out there in successful polyamorous relationships.

What does love mean to you?

For me, love is all about this extreme sense of intimacy. Not sexual intimacy, but just knowing each other to the point where you can complete each others sentences, and make the same dumb references, and apply cream to each others rashes, and comb snot out of each others hair. It’s about seeing someone every day and still getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see them. It’s about finding someone who accepts you for who you are and loves you unconditionally. It’s about laughing at the same odd pronunciation of “Gooooooooooooop” for the 900th time while everyone around you is clearly getting sick of this shit but is too polite to tell you that you’re not funny and that you’re making them very uncomfortable.
What advice do you have for someone who has never been in love?

Keep searching if it’s something you’re really looking for, but don’t think you’ll only find it in avid pursuance. Keep an open mind and stay true to who you are.