Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Here’s is my warning: this post might be a little raunchier than my usual, but I still hope you like it, ya filthy animals.

While I’ve been working on my latest side project, I’ve been thinking a lot about dating. Tom Segura makes a great point about how dating is kind of a facade, so when you’re married, you can finally be totally honest with the other person. That’s why I’ve decided to make a list of all of my less than desirable/bizarre/quirky traits. That way, the next person I date knows all of the negative and positive things about me upfront. If you want to keep a pure and angelic image of me, don’t read any further. To learn intimate details about me (including a joke or two about masturbation), keep on scrolling. I’ll probably never date again, but hey, it was all worth it.

1. I have eaten bacon bits straight out of the jar as meals on multiple occasions.
2. I often look like the sixth member of My Chemical Romance when I wake up. (aka only the back part of my hair spikes, and there’s eyeliner smeared around my eyes)
3. I knew there were only five members of My Chemical Romance without Googling it.
4. I hate the movie Interstellar.
5. I will wake up in the middle of the night to make something I saw on Pinterest days before and will not go back to bed until I finish it. (Think of me as the nocturnal Martha Stewart).
6. I sometimes eat cold soup straight out of the can.
7. I name every inanimate object. (Just until recently, I had a vibrator named Ol’ Faithful).
8. I don’t illegally download or stream anything because I have a legitimate, irrational fear I’ll get arrested because I watched all of Tila Tequila’s conspiracy videos.
9. I constantly fall asleep in movies, wake up for five seconds to say something to make everyone think I’m awake, and keep repeating this process for over half of the movie.
10. I know every word to two Bowling for Soup album in completion.
11. My boobs aren’t symmetrical.
12. I’ve never been to a dentist.
13. I usually cough/gag like an 80-year-old chain smoker for a solid 30 seconds after the first time I brush my teeth in the morning.
14. I write about everything in my life, and I mean, everything.
15. I make at least three masturbation jokes/references a day.

So, uh, step right up, fellas?