Nobody puts baillee in the corner

I lived in the same town for 18 years. I paid my summer dues by working at the local water park. I got excited when we got to go two towns over to see a movie we wanted to see because our theater didn’t have it. I still sing the lyrics to our school song whenever I hear “Auld Lang Syne.” But there a lot of bad memories I left behind in my hometown. It’s where I lost all of my baby teeth, but it’s also where I lost my childhood home.

I had to go back for a solid 30 minutes for the first time in years, and it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I only went to the HEB, but my levels of anxiety were through the roof. I didn’t want to run into some of the Julie Coopers (I’m so proud of myself for two Julie Cooper references in two days) of my day. The women who still gossip about things from years ago but are too terrified to put their dirty laundry out on the clothes line (so they have the maid do it instead). I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but I can’t help but be honest. They were often ruthless with their words, so I’ll simplclever with mine.

On the flip side, there are a lot of people who helped me out, and I don’t know how I’ll ever repay them. They let me stay at their house for weeks. They still check in with me. They’ve treated me like one of their own kids. I just hope they know how much everything they did meant to me, and I wish I could pay them back instead of only being able to endlessly thank them in a blog post. Really, thank you. I’m sorry if I ever came off as ungrateful. Y’all were some of the best surrogate parents (and in some cases, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and everything in-between) in the world.

Overall, I just have too many ghosts in my old town. Too many memories. There a plenty of good, but in this case, the bad outweigh the good. The small town banter and lack of secrecy aren’t Stars H0llow charming. Luckily, my parents realized the same thing when they moved, and now, they live in Stars Hollow incarnate (yes, I’m making the controversial statement that towns are in fact living entities). I’ll even be so bold as to say their small town life isn’t half bad. Plus, the thrift store is amazing.

At the ripe old age of 23, I’m beginning to realize how memories are just that: memories. You can’t make them canon. You can’t base future, or even present, decisions off of some good memories you have from high school. Just because something is familiar doesn’t make it right. Nostalgia can be an overwhelming force. I’m learning every day how to differentiate pangs of nostalgia from gut feelings about past experiences. It’s sometimes really hard to let go of things, so sometimes, you have to walk away (and hopefully look Kelly Clarkson amazing while doing it). You have to walk away from the people you grew up with in the town you grew up in; it’s too easy to get dragged back into the things you knew. That’s why we choose the past though. We knew it. It’s safe. We don’t have to worry about what the future holds if we never let ourselves leave the past. It’s easier to keep making the same mistakes because, hey, at least we know the outcome. So for now, I have to leave my past buried. The earth around it’s too fresh to dig up.