Nobody puts baillee in the corner

(Yes, it’s named that because this is a piece on self-reflection aka its about “Me, Myself & I”. And yes, I am pleased with myself).

Do you ever wake up and realize what you’ll never be? Before I dive into this, I don’t mean as though you fixate on your flaws, but rather, it’s more of waking up so self-aware you realize some of the maybes in the back of your head are absolutely frivolous. You understand what you are and what you aren’t. You finally see the differentiation between your goals/dreams and your fantasies. Is it just me?

I woke up yesterday morning and had weird moment of self-reflection. (Thanks, Master of None). I knew I’d never be happy at an office job, and I would only ever be happy writing and podcasting. I understood I would never have a “hot” body (even though I am perfectly happy with what I have, thank you). I looked at my relationship status, and I knew there wasn’t anyone in my life I really wanted/would be good with, so I need to stop trying to shove someone into a non-existent void. I don’t visit my parents enough. I need to stop drunk texting someone for attention. (Fess up, a good chunk of us have a person). I’ll never be ashamed of my tattoos. I will get more tattoos. I’ll probably never be president or find the cure to a disease. I’ll never be able to watch a movie without analyzing it in my head and looking up IMDb trivia. There will always be pre-season four Julie Coopers in this world (you know, minus the entire dating service fiasco). I had to lose something I cherished to gain a new perspective, but it’ll never make it right. I’ll always reference pop culture too much. I’ll never stop sending my writing to my best friends and mom before publishing it. People won’t change, so you either have to accept them or move on. Most importantly, I’m the one in control of my life.

It was a surreal moment, but it was absolutely what I needed. It was the unexpected nudge I needed to re-evaluate my situation. I might absolutely hate the fact that Mercury is in retrograde, but there’s definitely some truth buried underneath all of the chaos.