Nobody puts baillee in the corner

A couple of weeks ago, I discovered one of my best friends had never watched Home Alone or it’s equally great (I would argue better, but that’s a discussion for an entirely different blog post) sequel Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Clearly, this had to be fixed on the same day, so she, her boyfriend, and I hunkered down with a pizza and dove into to John Hughes’s little Christmas world. Here’s the entertaining part: I had double-featured Home Alone since I was about the size of Fuller’s Pepsi bottle; she was watching them for the first time at 22. I have participated in a many a social experiment during my days in the School of Humanities, but this might have been the most entertaining. Thus, I give you the five things I learned (slash my personal observations) by watching the Home Alones (aka the only two that count in my book and should be included in the series) with someone in adulthood for the first time.

First and foremost, there’s no way this could have happened in 2015. There’s no way the McCallisters could have boarded their flight in .5 seconds at the airport. Also, Uncle Frank is the kind of asshole who would have made some terrible quip and gotten the entire family detained. The only part we found to be excusable was when Heather accidentally counted the Murphy kid because each van thought Kevin was in the other. Also, to quote John Mulaney, it was like dogs without horses out there. Those kids were only like two seconds a part. Finally, how does Kate forget Kevin?? If he was “the only one who [has] to make trouble,” how did they not notice how smooth albeit hurried the morning was?

Secondly, all of Kevin’s traps would have absolutely killed someone. I definitely agree with the theory he grew up to be Jigsaw (Insert link about theory article here ).  If the effects of said booby traps were indeed anatomically correct, they would make Patrick Bateman look tame (remember kids, the movie is a watered-down version of things he allegedly does). There’s no way Harry and Marv would have even made it to the sequel. It’s borderline terrifying (by borderline, I mean it borders the line between terrifying and pure sadism). The worst part is Kevin never tells his family and says something nonchalant, which results in a resounding chuckle. WHAT.

Thirdly, it’s hard to take Joe Pesci seriously in anything but good ol’ fashioned mobster movies. I went so far as to propose the theory that Tommy DeVito actually survived  and went on to become a Wet Bandit, but it was quickly denied. It’s hard to look at the same man who has played many a mafia member seriously in a slapstick comedy (using the term loosely) from 1990. I mean, the man said it best himself in Goodfellas, “What do you mean I’m funny?”

Fourthly, the tarantula would be better suited with googly eyes because spiders are kinda creepy. We named him Helper Tarantula and would love to pitch our screenplay for a prequel to Chris Columbus. I want to know his backstory. How did he come to know John Hughes?  Did he actually hook up with four of the five members of The Breakfast Club? Why is he such an omnipresent, godlike character? You know, all the juicy, Perez Hilton details.

Finally, Hone Alone 2: Lost in New York is in fact better than the original Home Alone. I know I said this would be a conversation for another blog post, but I decided to take note from my boy M. Night (I promise I won’t mess with any of the cartoons from your childhood, except I do have a great idea for a live action version of AHHH! Real Monsters I’d love to pitch) and throw a twist in here. I know this is a super controversial, but I really think the second installment is better. Tim Curry and Rob Schneider are amazing. We have the pigeon lady (who I would also like to say should definitely end up with Pigeon Man from Hey Arnold!) who is the baddest bitch in the Home Alone game (and who should definitely be name dropped in the next Nicki Minaj club banger). You even have a phenomenal Catherine O’Hara haircut that puts the members of A Flock of Seagulls (and tidal waves) to shame. We even got an incredible John Mulaney bit (I’ll take my check later, John) from it. It’s as warm and delicious as a piping hot CHEESSE PPIZZAA (It sounds a lot better with Tim Curry saying it than it looks aesthetically when it’s typed).

There you have it. I just spent two full hours of my day talking dissecting Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York for your reading pleasure. And no, this message was not approved by the American Dental Association.