Nobody puts baillee in the corner

I like to think of adulthood as a cyclical process. Walk (or in this case, read) with me for a second. How many people do you still talk to from high school? My number is four. Now, how many people do you still talk to REGULARLY (as at least once a week) from college, my partners-in-grad life? My number is around ten (there were was internal struggle on this one aka I didn’t want to admit there were some people I no longer talk to). You might be wondering where I’m going with this (and if this is some were coping mechanism I’m dragging you along for; spoiler: you ain’t exactly wrong). My point is you lost a lot of peeps between high school and college and again between college and the real world (which is significantly weirder and a surprisingly more expense production value than MTV taught me), thus proving I’m right, and life is cyclical, and love never lasts. Fin.

But this isn’t Breathless. I’m not going to send you on some bizarre (yet really well made), existential crisis about life and love…just yet. Friendship isn’t the only thing that’s cyclical. So let’s address that giant stroller in the room, shall we? I’m at the age where a lot of my friends are getting married, having kids, getting married and having kids, or getting engaged and buying puppies to have Pinterest-inspired photoshoots with, all of which is totally fine! (Drinks entire bottle of wine to finish blog post).

I’m realizing this is all a part of the first cycle. In my humble observations (having a sibling 15 years older than you eventually comes in handy), I’ve noticed marriage essentially comes in three cycles. I’m currently in the first cycle. Between 20-24, the first round of your friends/the people you went to high school with and creep on throughout Facebook start doing a reverse Beyonce (I’m sure some of you probably paused for a second and giggled like I did since it sounds vaguely dirty) and put a ring on it. Your feed becomes nothing but beautiful engagement and baby photos, and you begin to realize the perks of working next to Trader Joe’s and the wonders of Two Buck Chuck. With that preface, I’ll go ahead and some of the things people are normally too afraid or embarrassed to admit publicly because as you’ve learned by now, I’m an open blog.

You’re going to be upset. You’re going to forget all the dope ass shit you’ve done. You’re going to think you’re living life wrong. You’re going to convince yourself that one of your exes was the one, and you messed it up (and not realize you’re just getting closer to the Mother, Ted Mosby). You’re going to listen to your heartbroken playlist (everyone has some variation of it ). You’re going to try on a million different dresses to wear to each wedding and think you look hideous in all of them and get wine/cold medicine drunk and threaten to text an old flame because you potentially could have been engaged by now (definitely not speaking from experience). You’re going to do a lot of dumb, Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids-esque stuff. BUT, you’ll eventually realize how amazing it is people you know are starting their lives together. You’re all doing great, just in different ways. I’d be lying if once you made this realization, all of the aforementioned hi-jinx would cease and desist, and I haven’t lied to you yet.

After this wave comes somewhere around a four year lull. This isn’t an exact science, but again, I’m speaking from my little tiny baby observations here. Then you have the 28-33 cycle. This is the second round of babies and rings (dibs on that as a band name). All of your social media platforms will once more be flooded with more pictures and more witty wedding hashtags. You’ll once again go through the same feelings I previously mentioned, or maybe you’ll be in the second wave. Who knows? Either way, unless you are any of the characters from Requiem for a Dream, both classes (those who wed, and those who bed. take that to mean what you will) are doing awesome. Those who are in the second cycle  pulled a Tina Fey. You waited a while. Dare I say, she’s doing pretty well.

There’s only around a year in between this wave and the third cycle, which is 35-40. Waiting doesn’t make you any lesser of a human (except to those random family members and friends who have been asking you since high school when you were going to start signing the paperwork on your second mortgage for your kid’s college fund). You know who else didn’t?  Sandra freaking Bullock. And she’s a cop, witch, Texas football mom, and everything in between. Hell, she almost fake married Ryan Reynolds (and still got him in the end). She’s the epitome of flawless, and she didn’t get married for the first time until she was 41. (And yes, I spent over 30 minutes Googling celebrities to give you two of the most badass examples. You’re welcome.)

Obviously, life isn’t completely cyclical because like ANTM, it too eventually ends. It isn’t perfect. Tyra doesn’t get to yell at all of the dumb situations you’ve been through and dumb people you’ve been with. But I like to think there are some definitive phases to it. Just because some of your friends are getting married doesn’t mean they’re settling down, and just because you’re not settling down doesn’t mean you’re not getting married. Even though How I Met Your Mother didn’t end the way we wanted it to (yeah, I went there) doesn’t mean that’s how your relationship arc is going to go. If you recall, Marshall and Lily had a rough patch, and it took Ted nine freaking seasons to finally meet the mother. With its predecessor Friends, Rachel and Ross got married, got divorced, had a kid, and finally started something permanent in the last episode when Rachel didn’t get on that plane. You’ll even go through your fair share of Taylor Townsends to help you get over your Marissa Coopers. And yes, all of my preconceived notions of relationships come from sitcoms and teen dramas, but there is some truth there. It can’t all be Cory and Topanga, my friends.

And that kids, is how I (quasi) came to terms with the cycles of adulthood.