Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Recently, I attended Fall Out Boy’s Austin leg of their Boys of Zummer tour. My little heart was jumping for joy the entire time, or maybe I was having a heat stroke from being out for several hours in the middle of a Texas summer, but either way I was ecstatic. This moment had been a decade in the making, so absolutely nothing could bring me down. I even randomly spewed out FOB band trivia and tidbits to my kind friend who loves me enough to pretend she was fascinated. My restless creative mind, however, could not help but wander, so I categorized my fellow concert patrons into three groups: those only there for Wiz Khalifa, those who were still in high school and decided to pregame and/or not hydrate before the show (they were easily identified because they passed out before FOB went on the stage), and those devoted fans, like myself, who were in their twenties and enjoying their one day off. The first and last groups mentioned were of no problem. The Wiz Khalifa kids left before FOB even went on stage, and those die hard 20 somethings after my own heart belted out every word and partook in some occasional light swaying. The middle group contained the ones that caused any slight grief. As someone who has been to many a concert, I would like to help out my younger readers with some basic concert etiquette to keep in mind while you are trying to Vine around my shoulder and push me out of the way whilst I am trying to enjoy my early birthday present to myself.

First and foremost, do not try to shove me out of the way. I have already paid my pubescent dues, so I cannot help that I am tall. Secondly, I got here almost three hours before Fall Out Boy performed. I was forced to watch Hoodie Allen’s set. I did my obligatory synchronized head nod with Wiz Khalifa (who I must say puts on a killer live show). I have only had one bottle of water to drink in four hours. I’m sorry you and your friends decided to get to the concert 30 minutes before Fall Out Boy performed because you were making sharpie t-shirts to wear. No, I will not move out of the way. Yes, I do plan on moving forward as people leave. Yes, my friend is actually shoving me forward when there is an opening because I have been talking about this show for five months. I am sorry that you are 30 feet instead of 25 feet away from the stage. Also, the last time I checked, Patrick, Pete, and Joe are all spoken for, so I highly doubt they want to make out with you after the show. But thank you giving me inspiration to write this article which lead me to Google for research which led me to realize Andy Hurley is still single, so bless you, my child. On the other hand, Pete Wentz is still smokin, but alas, he will only forever haunt my teenage dreams where we make out and watch Fuse. I feel your pain, but this is what growing up is all about. I’m pretty sure it is mentioned in some Judy Blume novel somewhere.

Next, please don’t drink alcohol if you plan on being out in the Texas sun for more than five hours. I’ve learned the hard way that being day drunk (especially underage, which I can honestly say I was lame enough to never attempt) in Texas heat is only second to unknowingly having a bout of the flu during the summer in the category of “Least Fun Ways to Projectile Vomit and/or Pass Out.” It also pains me to know that you just paid $80 to see a band you love only to pass out and not get to enjoy the show at all. I’m on the precipice of 23 and still didn’t drink a single drop of alcohol before or during the show. It’s not worth it! Sneak in candy cigarettes and pretend to smoke them if you need some sense of teenage rebellion. That way, you get to look cool and eat candy. That’s what we adults like to call a “win/win.”

Lastly, do not reach around or above other concert goers. It’s totally fine if you want to take pictures or video. I’m sure you and your friends will love to watch the concert you went to on Instagram later, but don’t rest your arm on my shoulder or let your camera string brush the top of my head while doing so. I would like to applaud the latter because I am impressed that you were able to craft a step stool out of empty beer cans and tied together flower crowns so as to be taller than me. Kudos! Remember though that you only get this concert experience once, so take a few pictures or videos here and there, but don’t actually forget to watch the concert. Trust me, you’ll regret it later if you do.

So there you have it. I hope all of these tips help the young teens reading my hip blog to avoid going to summer day camp by pretending to be reading The Great Gatsby on their iPad. I appreciate each and every one of you.

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