Nobody puts baillee in the corner

Over the course of five years, I have only had a handful of roommates. During this time, I have realized I possess a great deal of faults, so I decided to take it upon myself to issue a letter of apology to those I have so clearly hurt.

First and foremost, I would like to apologize for buying utensils, furniture, and other seeming necessities. It was financially irresponsible for me to want spoons. At the end of the day, we are nothing but mere animals, and it is about time we accept our primal instincts. Also, not having utensils makes for an epic Throwback Thursdays all of our Instagram (and overlapping Facebook friends) can look upon and appreciate for a grand five seconds to bask in the same glory of virality as “Charlie the Unicorn” or “Deez Nuts.” Besides, these accoutrements are fueling Ikea addictions and the infamous corporate machine.

Secondly, I apologize for my tidiness. Washing dishes regularly is a waste of water that could potentially be avoided with your methodology of allowing a bowl to sit in the sink with water for several hours and voila! You have the same lukewarm water to wash the dishes with. The system is rivaled only by Kevin Costner’s urine to water filtration system in Waterworld. An added bonus consists of allowing said standing water to accumulate near the sink, allowing for the attraction of various kinds of interesting insect life. This way, I did not have to spend my hard-earned paycheck on a visit to the zoo or local exotic pet store. I am also deeply sorry for unpleasant smell of the cleaner I used in order to unclog the long hair from the drain of the bathroom. I was unaware you were trying to paint your nails. Finally, I apologize for cleaning out the shared mini-fridge. I did not realize you switched to from a major in liberal studies to biology (how is your residency going by the way?) and threw out the two-week-expired Kumbucha. If I had known it was an experiment, I would have thoroughly respected your study. I have nothing but the utmost respect for scientists and their quest for bettering our society.

Lastly, I feel as though I need to apologize for my sometimes neurotic behaviors. I am a worrier by nature, so I apologize for text reminders. We have windows, and I learned about alternative energy sources in elementary school, so I am sure I could assemble a basic solar panel and/or wind turbine for the patio. In addition, it was not fair to expect you to know I was asleep at 3:00 in the morning, so you had every right to turn the light on and bring your friends over to our place. As we learned from Chuck Palahnuik, there are absolutely no consequences from a lack of sleep.

Sincerely,

Baillee MaCloud Perkins
Heedless Housemate

P.S. It was unclear as to which category this specific apology belonged, so I decided to use the P.S. as a Particularly Sorry section so to speak. I am particularly sorry about my annoyance of your spirited playlist. I should have respected the 10 song playlist looping during your hour long showers. I understand the need to unwind after a day of online shopping too. Plus, the songs of Glee seem to have deeper and more philosophical meanings upon examination. Glee’s “Loser Like Me” is clearly a metaphor for the current state of global warming and poses rich existential questions regarding our own meaningless existence. Kudos to you for realizing William McKinley High is a place of real academia.