Nobody puts baillee in the corner

There has been something weighing on my heart lately, and I can no longer ignore it. As a recent college grad, I’ve had the pleasure of receiving numerous phone calls and offers from student loan “forgiveness” agencies. I feel like it is time someone took the time to let the world know about them, therefore I decided to write a letter expressing my gratitude for all they do.

To Whom It May Concern:

First and foremost, I would like to thank you for your agency’s dedication. Every phone call that temporarily turned off our sound system at work gave me a few moments of solace in an otherwise chaotic work day. Also, thank you for using my hometown’s name as a front on your caller ID. As someone with two older parents with health problems, every time I answered to find my parents were not in the hospital or dead really helped me realize how precious life is. You are truly doing the Lord’s work. I would lastly like to thank your agency for calling me at nine AM. As a 22-year-old, thank you for knowing it takes me approximately 15 minutes after work to put on my pajamas and fall asleep (and proving the myth of taking seven minutes to fall asleep inaccurate). I appreciate you not letting me oversleep but rather making sure I got my full eight hours. For this, I am eternally grateful.

Secondly, I would like to commend your agency’s customer service. You have a real way with people. Although I told you I was no longer interested in your services, you still took $350 out of my account the day after Christmas. Thank you for keeping the day of Jesus’s birth sacred. Are any of the parishes aware of your existence? I also can’t thank you enough for leaving any traces of your company’s nomenclature off of my bank statement, so I thought my account information had been stolen. Thank you for keeping me on my toes. The holidays are often a boring time, so I love the idea of spicing them up. Finally, thank you for not returning my phone calls for almost seven days. It, again, kept me on my toes and prevented me from having to pay for an expensive stress test at the doctor’s office. That copay would have cost me big time, so I’m glad to know I have found my guardian angel in your company.

Last but not least, I would like to applaud your agency’s empathy. You truly understand the financial struggles of a 22-year-old living in Austin by themselves. I mean, I can’t afford $200 monthly student loan because it’s spread out over several months; however, paying you $700 up front to cut my payments down to $43 a month and forgive less than have of my student loans is much more reasonable. It’s like ripping off a fiscal band aid. It also gives me the opportunity to lift the ridiculous forbearance off of my loans. I appreciated the harsh response when I explained my financial situation. Your response of “Let me know if things get better” was inspired. It definitely gave the “It Gets Better” YouTube series a run for its money. My only regret is not recording such humanizing phrases as “Can you just not borrow the money from someone?” and “Are you sure you only make that much?” to capture the true beauty of your words. I feel like I could never truly give them justice.

In closing, I would love to thank you for your ability to persevere and simultaneously turning Aesop’s Fable of The Tortoise and the Hare on its head. The story is rather outdated, and the hare’s hard and fast tenacity should not be discredited. Shine on, you progressive diamond.

Sincerely,

Baillee MaCloud Perkins
Penniless Ice Cream Peddler