Nobody puts baillee in the corner

I haven’t had a life of family vacations and white picket fences, and I’m totally okay with that. I’ve had a real life, one full of struggles and pain and tears alongside triumphs and wellness and laughter. I’m not going to go into detail about some things because I’m not the only member of my family it affected, and it’s not fair for me to publicly share a story that isn’t fully mine. But I can tell you, it hasn’t been easy. I could spend my time complaining about how life isn’t fair or trying to say I’m owed something from God, but I’m willing to take the good with the bad. Sure, I lost my house five years ago, but I’ve been to SXSW five times for free. I saw two comedians and a band just last week. It all evens out in the end.

With that being said, I suck at dealing with emotions when life isn’t great. I have friends who have probably never seen me cry. To paraphrase John Mulaney, I take all of my emotions, bottle them up, and one day, I’ll die. I totally understand this is a shortcoming and something I’m trying to work on, but I haven’t found the right corkscrew to open the bottle. So instead, I cope. I cope by making terrible jokes about my current predicament that more often than not make people uncomfortable because they don’t know whether or not they should laugh. I throw myself into random craft projects and work. I start rearranging furniture. I do whatever I have to do to make it through. Sure, I sit on my couch an eat an entire pint of ice cream while watching My Girl and have a good cry like a normal person, but I’m just not good an expressing my emotions around other people. I tend to go silent or snap or push people away when I don’t mean to. It’s just how I roll. Which leads me to why I’m currently trying to cope.

Now that I’ve finally gotten on my feet, I feel like my family is struggling. I can’t help but feel guilty because I’m down here in my Austin bubble. I feel bad because I can’t help out more financially, and I don’t have a driver’s license, so I can’t go see them. That’s why I’m eventually getting tattoos of all their signatures (don’t tell my dad or sister). I don’t know how better to show them I care. I desperately want to be able to pay for medical bills and help my parents buy a new car, but I can’t. The best I can do is send it when I can, and it’s a constant battle of me feeling disappointment in my self. It also makes me upset that there aren’t more programs out there to help my family.

But I keep moving on. I work my ass off to get as many hours as possible to help out when I can. I give some of my tip money to the homeless. Sure, I might not be able to buy the leggings I wanted at Target, but I have a warm bed at the end of the night. If all else fails, I can scrounge up some pasta from my pantry and make it. I try to help out others when I can, but sometimes, you just can’t. The struggle is in fact very real.

I feel like this might be a huge steaming pile of word vomit, but I hope you can see some cohesion in it. I don’t want you to finish reading this and think I’m asking for money or just trying to complain about how hard life is; that’s not my point. My point is that life is real. It can rip your heart out or stitch it back together, but you have to keep fighting for the simple and beautiful moments. Those are what make the entire thing worth while. Also, help out others whenever you can. Giving someone $2 can make their day, and you can forgo one gas station coffee and bring yours from home.

On the flip side, don’t be too proud to ask for help when you need it. That’s what I constantly struggle with. I feel the need to hold up the world by myself like Atlas but even Titans need help. Don’t be afraid to ask for a ride to get groceries if you are too worn out to walk to the store. I have some amazing friends who are usually willing to help me out whenever, but don’t ever be afraid to ask someone if they need a ride to the store or just want to go to Sonic. Sometimes, the invitation makes someone’s day.

Again, I hope you find some sore of cohesive message in this post about how life is authentic and demanding and delicate and heartbreaking or at the very least how great John Mulaney is.