Nobody puts baillee in the corner

When I wrote my first blog post, I made a commitment to be honest. I wanted to give people a raw and honest glimpse into my life, and so far, I have, but I struggled with whether or not to write about this topic. After talking to a couple of my confidants, there was a unanimous decision: I had to. You may or may not believe any of it, but hey, that’s your opinion. That’s the thing about writing; you take what you want from it. You could interpret this as me being honest about almost every aspect of my life or as a way to get attention but give me the courtesy of reading all of it before you start rolling your eyes. So here goes nothing…

I’m a virgin. (Insert reaction from The Breakfast Club here). It’s not because of any religious affiliation but my personal choice. I’ve had opportunities to lose my virginity, the first being when I was 14, but I’ve always said no. For me personally, it’s never felt right. I view sex as both a physical and emotional experience, and I’ve never felt so connected to someone that I wanted to sleep with them. I’ve never truly been in love, and the longest relationship I’ve ever had was a few months. I’ve always seen sex as something passionate and meaningful, so I’ve never thought of my virginity as something with an expiration date. I’m not writing one of those letters to my future husband about how beautiful our future wedding night is going to be (mostly because I can’t find my dream journal) because I’m not waiting for my wedding night. I’m waiting until it feels right.

If I haven’t been vulnerable enough, I’m going to make another bold confession: I know what an orgasm feels like. We live in the electric age where a vibrator that plays music and makes cake pops can be over-nighted to your doorstep, and I’m going to leave it at that. My point is I think the exchange between two people (or more depending on how you roll) shouldn’t just be some great physical sensation but an emotional and dare I say spiritual one as well. I don’t want my first time to be a sloppy, drunken encounter with someone I barely know. or even someone I haven’t developed sexual feelings I’m dating because they want to. I want it to have some meaning for me, even if it only has meaning in that moment. Sex has a different meaning from person to person, and I totally respect that. I think sex is a fully immersive experience, and I don’t just want to dip my toes in. I want to find the person who I want to hold hands and jump in with, and I haven’t found that person yet. Call me old-fashioned, prudish, or insane, I don’t care. I’m sitting on the diving board until further notice.

P.S. Excuse all the pool metaphors. I saw It Follows twice last week.